Dorkolympics
-- weishaupt
12:20AM PST
You know, sometimes you're surfing around randomly, looking
for something new, unusual, dirty, shocking; you're bored, doing
random searches on google, clicking
promiscuously
through shitty-looking links pages,
experimenting with half-forgotten entries in your Favorites
folder. And then, sixteen clicks deep into a cached pile
of completely valueless sites you come across something
truly disturbing. Something that makes you long for a
forgotten decade when the internet was just a gleam in Al
Gore's eye, back when the average college student had never
seen barnyard porn.
I found a site like that last night. You see, I think I may
have discovered the world's biggest
dork. The lad pictured to the left, who (aside from being
mind-blowingly goofy looking) lacks the good sense to keep
his real name off his webpages, is Grant Paplauskas. Grant
(seen here with
his bitches)
is a recent graduate of, and current Webmaster for, Trinity Christian College.
Now, if graduating from a Bible college is somewhat dorky,
webdesigning for one has to be exponentially worse. And you
have to admit, his picture (he also lacks the good sense to keep
his picture off of his websites) is a monument to dorkness
as well. But is that the end of his impressive dork resume? Oh,
lordy no.
Grant here is also the designer of the magnificent Hollywood
Jem webpage. Even a cursory look through the pages on his
site will show you that there is something very wrong with this person.
Right about the time you're thinking, "Yeah, okay, I get the point,
this dude is a butt-ranging bible-thumping World Class dork,
so what?" you'll try the link to Like A Dream:
the JEM Roleplay Adventure. This has to be the absolute nadir
of internet fecundity. Look around. Yeah, you guessed it, its
a bunch of (otherwise) normal people who spend their free time
writing fan fiction based around the characters of a poorly-drawn
80's cartoon. And a shitty one, at that.
Do I even need to go on? Can any sane adult doubt that these
people are damaged goods? And Grant Paplauskas, uberdork, is
their ringleader. Now, I'm not saying people should be judged
by every strange little thing they post on the net, but go
check the Archives of the roleplaying thing. Three years
they've been doing this! That's not a hobby, that's an
obsessive disorder. In fact, the most bizarre detail is that
the designer and contributors aren't even embarassed enough
to hide their identities.
I may be beating a dead horse here. If you're not convinced by his
picture, his job, and his disturbing little pastime that this man
is the all-time USDA choice dork of a lifetime (as well as being
gay as a three-dollar bill), then you never will be. On the other hand,
perhaps you feel sorry for the poor bastard. Some of you probably think
I've been a little tough on old Grant and his ugly-ass dog, so you'll
probably want to
drop him an
encouraging note to help bolster his spirits. Or, if you're
particularly outraged at my pointless insults, perhaps
you should just call him and express your condolences personally:
his number is (708) 239-4888 (See Grant? Another good reason
to keep your real name off your creepy little page). But even if
you do feel sorry for him, or think I'm being unfair, there's one
thing you can't argue with: at the Twit of the Century awards,
this guy's gonna be a contender.