Universal Guide to Getting Laid in Japan

by fenomas

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Part 1: For Guys

Hiya. fenomas here again. So, you have made your way over to the far east, seen some sights, ridden the trains, bummed around and met some expats, paid too much for shitty coffee, gone to Ueno zoo, etcetera and so on, and you're thinking, "This is cool and all, but where's all the ladies at?" Well, don't worry brother, I've got your back. Just follow these simple rules, and you absolutely can't go wrong. Granted, the girl you find will not be perfect; in fact the odds are overwhelming that she will be shallow and petty and jaded and soulless. But she will be fashionable.

First, the preliminaries:

1. Be White.

If you can't meet this requirement, then be black, that's really just as good. If that's also out of the question, then be whatever you happen to be, as long as your not Brazillian or from Southeast Asia. If you're one of those, pretend to be ethnic Canadian.

2. Don't Learn Japanese.

Trust me. The girls that you will meet by following this guide have learned basic conversational English for the same reason that web designers learn Java; it is a necessary part of accomplishing their goals. They will also enjoy the chance to use their English, and will be put off if you are able to answer them in Japanese, which, if you're reading this, is unlikely.

And now, here's the step by step guide. Don't forget to take notes.

3. Go to Roppongi.

Coming from central Tokyo, Roppongi is the second to last station on the Hibiya subway line (the gray line on subway maps). If you're starting on the circular Yamanote train line, you can transfer to the Hibiya line at Ueno or Ebisu.

4. Find GasPanic.

GasPanic is a bar in Roppongi. It is the most popular bar for meeting foreign guys; a fact of which you will take advantage. If you can't find it, go to Bar, Isn't It. (They have a beer called "Beer, Isn't It" which is simply the worst beer on the face of the Earth.) If you can't find that either, hang around the station, and if a group of girls points at you (and they will if you followed step 1) ask them how to find it. BTW, Thursday night is cheap drink night at GasPanic.

5. Stand at the bar.

Order a drink and don't bother looking interested in anything particular. Chat with a friend if you brought one. Girls will come up sooner or later and start conversations. Then it will be time to choose which one to set your sights on. I recommend you follow these guidelines.
If she looks twent-two, she's fifteen.
If she looks fifteen, she's twenty-eight.
If she looks twenty-eight, she's over forty.
Now that that's all sorted out, and you have picked out the lucky lady:

6. Make Conversation.

Keep things simple. Stay low-key and use lots of vague answers. If you're asked about your job, make up something in the fashion industry or be unemployed. Just don't say you teach English, because that locks you into an exclusive club of 99% of the foreigners in Tokyo, none of whom are known for buying expensive gifts, which is one of the things that the girl has on her mind at this particular moment. If this goes well, then you're ready to

7. Make your move.

Nothing difficult here. Just talk about how crowded it is, and suggest a move to somewhere quieter and less crowded. If she agrees, then you're golden because there is only about one place in Tokyo that is quiet and crowded, and that is a love hotel. For Love Hotels, she will probably have a favorite (for which you will be paying), but if not just look for neon. If you don't know what a love hotel is, consult my Japan Q&A page, about 2/3 of the way down.

There you have it- an easy, simple guide to having sex in Japan. I guarantee that any guy can do this, if he follows step 1, because I have seen it done by some of the most inept quasimodos the world has produced. Of course, when the morning comes, you'll feel empty and regretful and you'll never want to see the girl again, but if you haven't learned that by your age, I'm not going to make a point out of it.

For now, all that's left is:

Part 2: For Girls

Okay, basically, the method for a girl to get laid in Japan is the same as to get laid anywhere else. Why am I even writing this? Just go to a bar, and come on to a guy who doesn't happen to be with any other girls at that particular moment, play up to his ego, act really interested, and imply that you are interested in a purely physical no-strings night of passion. How simple is that? If you're a girl and you don't know how to go about getting laid, then you are either a moron or you're laboring under some bizarre illusion that guys are a hell of a lot more complicated than the apes to which our DNA is startlingly similar. Just get the hell off of the internet and wake up to the fact that as a woman you hold all of the power in the world of sexual tension and if you are not having sex on any particular night it is because you chose not to.

Or just call up the PenIsMightier Staff.

 

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