Every couple of years in this country, some backwoods Religious Right zombie makes headlines by suing a school district or burning a book because the schools in his community won't teach creationism like it says in his Bible. To be honest, I'd never given it much thought; I supposed it was just something that happened in those sorts of places. Like tornadoes. Hell, maybe the two phenomena are related.

So I was surprised the other day when a column in the local paper sparked days and days of letters to the editor arguing against evolution and in favor of creationism. Some tried to find scientific fault with Darwin's theory, and some just said that it was a sin, period.

Now to be honest, I feel ashamed writing this rant. I mean, where's the controversy? Evolution vs. Creation is such a non-issue; there are so many ways to look at it, and they all lead to the same conclusion.. But I'm getting ahead of myself. Let's do this properly, ok?

It so happens that I have done some traveling in the last few years, so my first thoughts were, "Why not look at the way some other countries deal with this issue?" Well, you know what the answer is? THEY DON'T. America is the only goddam country in the world that even gives a shit! Why is this? Why don't you hear about guys in Greece who are pissed off because the schools won't teach that the Earth was created after Almighty Zeus overthrew the Titans? I'm tempted to say that it's because Greece isn't filled with insular morons, but let's assume that idiots are evenly distributed in the world. No, in a nutshell, the reason is this: It's because even though America is the most powerful country in the world, in spiritual matters, we're way behind. Economically, we're the Miracle Mets, but religiously we're that single A farm team from Shitstain, Arizona, that's hoping next year to get some bleachers.

While America rants and raves about the Separation of Church and State, other countries just do it. Take Japan, for example: Japan is about half Shinto and half Buddhist. But the buddhists and the Shintos never argue about what to teach in school. They never argue about anything! You know why? Because the Buddhists don't care if you're Shinto, and the Shintos could give a shit if you're Buddhist. Neither side is trying to win - proselytizing is just a foreign concept to them. But don't pack your bags to move there yet: The fastest growing religion in Japan is Christianity, at about 2%. Why is it growing? Two words: Jehovah's Fucking Witnesses. Thank God for progress..

Well, I got a little off topic there, but what the hell? It's a rant. Anyway, as I said, there are plenty of other arguments that are capable of resolving the Creation vs. Evolution argument.
Here are a few:

1. The Bible Uses Metaphoric Language.
Is this fuckin' news to anybody? Did you ever wonder why everything that takes a long time in the Bible always takes forty days and forty nights? It's because the Bible contains what we call "turns of phrase." When the original authors wrote that, all they meant was, "a really long time." It might as well have been, "'til the cows come home." It's called figurative language, and the Bible, like most literature, is filled with it.

Here's another example. Did it ever seem odd that Jesus would turn water into wine at the wedding in Cana? I mean, he wasn't busy enough healing the sick and curing the lepers and whatnot, and people are coming to him when they run out of wine? Well, in Aramaic, there was a phrase comparable to the modern "making a silk purse from a sow's ear." The phrase was: "turning water into wine." It referred to making a fine result from base materials. In the Cana example, it meant that Jesus converted some of the unbelievers at the wedding to His faith. Unfortunately, Saul (later known as Paul), who first translated the Bible from Aramaic to Greek, wasn't all that good at it. Now 2000 years later, his typo has become an institution. It's about time we stopped reading the Bible as a literal record of fact, and started reading it as a book of histories, literatures, and faith. The Bible's purpose is to inspire love and beauty, not policy and school curriculums. Christ.

2. Creation is a CHRISTIAN Dogma.
How simple is that? Christianity is the most popular religion in America, granted. But that doesn't mean they get their myths in the classroom. After all, world-wide, Christians are far outnumbered by Muslims. So should schools teach the Creation theory of Mohammed, whatever that might happen to be? (Hey, it's not like I research these things..)

Bottom line here: America is not a Christian nation. A nation with lots of Christians, possibly. But not a Christian nation. Therefore, Christian Dogma does not get into classrooms. After all, what if it did? Wouldn't any argument for teaching creation in schools, by necessity, also entail teaching other dogma the same way? In Science class, shall we teach that "sometimes, people come back to life?" How about Health class: "The best method of birth control is abstinence. Although you may still be impregnated by a pigeon."

I have on occasion heard people say: "Schools should teach kids both theories. Otherwise, how will they know that Darwinism is not the only view?" Gee, that sounds reasonable, because where else could kids learn about creation? Oh wait a minute, maybe they'll hear about it in church, for chrissakes. In fact, it almost seems obvious: in science class, teach the kids science. In church, teach them the Bible. That's what churches are for, isn't it?

Now this is a side note, but this is awfully similar to the non-issue of Prayer in Schools. Prayer in Schools? Why not have the kids pray in church? Churches are for praying, and Lord knows there are enough of em to go around. Schools are for learning, and there's little enough of that going on. And if a kid really wants to pray in school, who's stopping him? Most praying I've seen was muttering silently to yourself, and you'll have a hard time finding someone who wants to ban that. But if your definition of prayer involves someone leading a bunch of other people, out loud, especially out of a Bible, then it's religious ceremony in a public school, exactly like our main issue, which (you'll recall) is the teaching of Creationism in school. There, see? And we roll right back into our topic.

3. Creation and Evolution are not Competing Theories
I often hear people in favor of teaching Creationism in school try to support their ideas by attacking Evolution and attempting to prove that it is not a sound theory. Therefore, I feel I must digress briefly on the nature of Science.

The requirements of a scientific theory are that it explain current evidence and that it predict results which can be verified through experiment. This is that "Scientific Method" you learned about in school (unless you went to Catholic School). It doesn't always work perfectly, but the idea is this: If there was a competing theory, besides Darwin's, that did a better job of explaining what we see around us, then any honest scientist must at least consider the idea that it, and not Darwinism, is correct. But, there isn't. I can safely say this because Creationism is not even in the running; it simply isn't a scientific theory. Creationism is a Dogma. By definition, it does not attempt to explain testable phenomena around us.

However, don't take this to mean that Science and Religion are opposites; they are not. Many scientists have been religious; Newton for example. But citing dogma in the realm of science isn't an answer; if it was, Newton would have concluded that God makes apples fall from trees. I am quite certain that Newton believed that God created gravity. But that doesn't mean he didn't study how it worked.

My point here is this. Even if Darwin's theories were wrong, that does not mean that Creationism is a viable alternative, in the scientific sense. They are simply not in competition. Any scientist who is a Christian can explain it in one easy sentence: "God created Darwinism." However, that one sentence is a religious belief, not a scientific theory. We are talking about what to teach in Science class. Therefore, until there is a scientific theory better than Darwin's, then Darwin's it is.

4.Not all kids are Christian

bigot n. A person who is rigidly devoted to his own group, religion, race, or politics and is intolerant of those who differ.
- American Heritage Dictionary

Teaching Biblical Creation to kids who are not Christian is proselytization. Anyone who espouses such a practice is, by definition, a bigot.

PERIOD.