i can't help but think i was the direct cause of eod's gf going to the lezbo bar. i kept making lewd gestures at her friend, knowing she didn't want none of what i had to give. she's a spunky grrl, and she don't need none of mine. i was hanging out with eod's gf and her friend at a local bar. anyway, keep working on your method, maybe i can get it to work for me some day. well, i'm heading to the coast today. i plan to camp on some as of yet undisclosed beach, then hit a couple of wineries, have a picnic in the middle of nowhere, then come home in time to watch the simpsons tomorrow. here is the excerpt from antigone i added to my journal yesterday to keep you busy reading productive things. see you kids after my vacation...

Well I was dancing at a night club one Friday night
And that night club bar was a little uptight
Yeah, I was dancing all alone a little self conscious
When some kids came up and said, "for dancing come with us."
And soon...
I was dancing in a lesbian bar.
I was dancing in a lesbian bar.

Well I was dancing in the lesbian bar
In the industrial zone.
I was dancing with my friends
And dancing alone.
Well the first bar things were alright
But in this bar, things were Friday night.
In the first bar things were just alright.
This bar things were Friday night
--Jonathon Richmond

Yes folks tonight I was dancing in a lesbian bar with my girlfriend.

I came home from work expecting my girlfriend to be sitting on the couch knitting me a sweater, but no one was home. "Maybe she went to buy some more yarn" I thought to myself. Wait a minute, the yarn store closed hours ago. Something fishy was going on. I checked all the rooms in the apt, nobody there. So I sat down in a chair and just yelled her name for about 15 mins. Just as I was about to phone Encyclopedia Brown when the phone rang:

sara: I'm dancing at the lesbian bar.
me: Woman, you know that ain't right. That ain't christain! Get home and fix me some dinna!
sara: You're not christain
me: Oh ya!? Then how come I goto church every sunday?
sara: You don't. Every sunday you sleep in and watch battle dome.
me: oh ya.. Sooo... How do I get to this club?

I drove aimlessly around town until I found this club. Let me tell you this, lesbian bars have the best male to female ratio. It's an untapped place to meet chicks. I mean, I was like the only dude there. I couldn't believe that more guys wheren't there picking up chicks.. The few who I thought where guys, where just really butch chicks. I told my girlfriend this theory of how I'm gonna publish a book "Lesbian bars: The untapped place to meet chicks", she then reminded me that lesbians don't really like being with men. That could be a slight problem.. Something I'll worry about later

It's been a while since I had danced, and I thanked the lord that these clubs where dark. I got a few odd looks, when I busted out my mighty PenIs dance move and proceeded to grind upon my girlfriends arse. Other than that the night went pretty smooth. I watched our "lesbian" friend who sara orginally went with, pick up massive amounts of girls. In the course of the few hours I was there, I saw her make out with 3 different girls.

Here's a canonical list of everything you need to know about the "Wazzup" phenomena, presented, as usual, in five easy pieces:

1. It started with shitty-looking little 240x120 quicktime movies of guys saying it to each other. They sucked.
17. The website got popular, and the schmucks who created the shitty little .mov's got on Leno. They sucked.
23. Approximately 4 zillion rip-offs, spoofs and variations sprung up on the web, in sitcoms, and in commercials. They sucked.
3125. It will soon fade away into richly-deserved obscurity, and its final breath of media life will be an essay in Reader's Digest by a mediocre sociologist whose conclusion will be: They sucked.
5. If you try to begin a conversation with me by saying "Wazzup" and grinning like a jackass, I will stare at you quizzically until you start to look uncomfortable, and then reply, "The altitude of your sperm." Then, I will kick you vigorously in the testes.

Friday, July 14, 2000

Why do chip-makers hate the overclockers so much? As those of you with long memories might know, my quake-playin' box is powered by two celeron 366's running at 595 MHz apiece, which is to say, 62% faster than they're supposed to. If you don't know what the fuck I'm talking about go check out the overclocker's forum. So what's wrong with that? You see, ever since the AMD K62-400 and the Intel Celeron 300A, every major-market CPU on the market has had the clock-multiplier locked to a specific value. Meaning us poor overclockers have to make do with tweaking the front side bus speed, which is a pain in the ass. A month or two ago it came out that the specsheet for the Athlon didn't specifically require a clock lock, it leaves it up to the motherboard and provides specs for altering it. It was also mentioned by several reviewers that their pre-release demo boards could change the clock multiplier with dip switches. Then, a few days ago, United Overclockers, among others, informed us that Asus is shipping their new Athlon motherboard without the dips in question, and AMD has threatened to build a hard-wired lock into the chips if they don't. All to prevent "CPU piracy". AMD appears to have inherited Intel's conviction that if the multiplier doesn't stay locked, people are going to build overclocked systems without advertising it. Oh, the horrors - somebody answers an ad in the paper for a computer deal that sounds too good to be true, and they get taken? Tthank goodness AMD and Intel have teamed up to ensure that will never happen again. Meanwhile, both chip-zillas have to be aware that a respectable chunk of the Intel Celeron's soaring sales are due to its easy overclockability (in tandem with all of the OC-friendly mobos released in the last few years). Why is there no love for the overclockers, goddammit? If they'd just unlock the damn things, I'd buy a couple of Celeron II's faster than you could say "2 Gigahertz and change."

In other geek news I highly suggest you check out the "Cracked" feature over on rootprompt, it's funny as shit. It's the story of a thoroughly h4x0red unix network, and its dimwitted admin - and it's told by the admin himself. OK, here's a hint Einstein, if you have custom kernel modules designed to hide files from root, you haven't been cracked by a script kiddie. Personally, I was rooting *ahem* for the cracker.

Thursday, July 13th, 2000

Another NoDoz crazed day, I figure these little pills should allow me to get everything I need done today. so far I'm running behind schedule. Added a new article but it's really an older post about paying Bills.
via eddie taken from reallifecomics.com

monday rocked. and having been at my job for nine months, it was nice to have a day like tuesday to remind me why i was working in mental health. not like i forgot, but the sentiment was accentuated. it was one of my favorite client's birfily days. this particular client almost never gets a chance to go out. although i would have liked to do more, all i could really afford was to go out for coffee and talk. i stopped the car on the way in the middle of the street, left it running, ran into a field and picked a flower. then i ran back to the car, handed over the flower, and headed to the coffee shop to drink coffee and talk. and talk we did, and thoughts flowed freely and deeply. sometimes i think i'm the only one who cares enough to hear and decipher such garbled and loosely associated speech. anyway, the appreciation expressed by the client really touched me. later in the day, when i was teaching my class on "community survival," i felt that same warm fuzzy feeling. i was essentially teaching my philosophy of life in sixty minutes, and all of my students were asking the right questions and seemed to be actually interested in what i was teaching. then tonight, i went on the dinner cruise my roommate terri and i won at her work's christmas party. the food. was. diviiiine. as was the wine. if you are ever in portland and want a bomb ass dinner in a great setting on waves which gently rock the food down your esophagus listening to the passionate fingerings of an excellent piaenist. the night was clear and comfortably warm. having achieved a pleasant wine buzz, i came home drank more wine, and threw these posts together right before bed. *yawn* g'night.

Wednesday, July 12th, 2000

Customer: Alright here, I hope your ready to fix a REAL FUCKING problem! This shit started happening about 2 months ago after I installed your new software! You ready to fix this?
Me: I always am sir
Customer: Ok listen up, I'm a MCSE and I'm real sick of your mail servers
Me: (Fair enough thing to be upset about. They have been shitty lately but I don't know what the MCSE is all about. Does that mean I should drop to my knees and worhsip the ground he walks on? Let's see what this guy is made of) Ok sir what mail client are you using?
Customer(loong pause)Ummm, your mail client
Me: (Ahh clever, my mail client) Umm sir we have never programmed a mail client before, if you are confused about the operation of your computer I can send you a newbie's getting started guide. (this always gets there blood boiling). Lets see if I can help you. Do you see a mean ol' lighthouse/ship's wheel or a little blue 'e' with an envolope? (A little egotrashing to his MCSE bloated head)
Customer: Yeah yeah, it's netscape. The error says 'You must type a password'.. See you guys keep fucking up my password!
Me: Well actually the error message indicates your not typing a password
Customer: I AM! LISTEN YOU LITTLE PIECE OF SHIT LISTEN TO ME TYPE!! (Sounds of keys being slammed) I'm typing '1-2-3-4-5'!
Me: Sir with you slamming the keys, your increasing the risk of making a typo. Lets calm down and think about this rationaly. The error message says your not typing a password.. You read off your password (as orginal as it is) as 1,2,3,4,5.
Customer SO!?!?
Me: Is it possible that you are typing on the 10 key and the num lock is off? Try using the numbers above the letters
(looonng pause)
Did it work?
Customer: Yes! but why won't my numbers on the right work!? I can't believe you guys fucked up my computer this bad!
Me: Is the num lock turned off? (I thought he would of picked up on that by now)
Customer: Of course it is! What do you think, I'm an idiot!?!
Me: (I wish honesty was part of my job description) Sir the Num Lock needs to be on, to lock the numbers into being active. Hence the name NUM LOCK.. Go ahead and press the num lock key and try again
Customer: It's not suppose to be on!! God damn you! It's not suppose to be on!
Me: Alright sir.. This is about as effective as tapping my foot in hopes to solve an algebra equation.. Go ahead and try out the 'num lock' on a couple machines and if you still think its a problem give us a call back.. Here is your ticket number. (hey it's free comic relief for the next guy)

Tuesday, July 11th, 2000

I saw Seinfeld dubbed into Japanese the other day.

It was still pretty funny.

If you have any clever one liners to insert in that random text bar in the Flash movie at the top of this page, mail me.

Monday, July 10th, 2000

Eod how are you going to clean the kitchen, bathroom, do the laundry and make a post in the 45 min window you have before your girlfriend gets home?
A little something I call NoDoz.. You see these little white pills pack quite a punch. After popping a few you'll be busier than a tweaker with a mount rushmore jigsaw puzzle.

Eod you're all sweaty... Maybe your working to hard..
No my friend this sweat isn't from over working, its a cold jittery sweat brought on by 3 NoDoz's.. You see after popping a few NoDoz you'll notice that it unlocks your natural super human abilities..

Wow you're shaking quite violently, did I do something to anger you?
Not at all my little friend, this is another added benefit from popping NoDoz.. In fact it's one of my awesome super human powers that it unleashes.

What about that time you popped 5 NoDoz and got your fingers stuck in that chinese finger trap. You were running around acting like...
Heh, well.. Lets not talk about that..

Does it piss you off that your girlfriend has so many fucking shoes, which are found in the middle of every room..
Why yes.. Yes it does..

Did you get everything cleaned up before she got home?
You're damn tootin' I did

Sunday, July 9th, 2000

I tried today to think of a difference between the suit I have to wear at work and the shit they make employees wear at McDonald's. The only one I have so far is that the McGear is probably much easier to clean.

On a brighter note, I now own at Street Fighter vs. Capcom vol Three, or whatever it is called - the one that has three characters per side at a time and takes a half an hour to play a whole game of. It is also worth noting that it includes just about 50 characters, from every capcom fighter, from Thanos to War Machine to Ruby Heart to Iceman to Juggernaut to Cammy. I should probably point out that, in a perfect world, this preceding data, would be at the top of my resume right underneath Tekken 3 Tag Characters with whom I Kick Ass: Bryan, Yoshi, Nina, Jin

well, kidses, today i learned that sometimes it's ok to improve upon perfection, to take something that was "finished," and finish it some more. sometimes, it's even cathartic. cathartic like a porno pony, yet not quite as cathartic as seeing a monkey's genitals bulge with excitement. needless to say, i feel a bit more well-adjusted, and it's not just cuz i'm wearing silk boxers. i think i actually rearranged my thoughts while i listened to nin's 'la mer' on repeat, lit some candles, curled up with a bottle of red wine, and reworked my earlier strokes and form and color placement, as well as removing the sense of emptiness. a bit of common sorcery, to wit, environmental manipulations to nudge my still wysiwyg reactionary self. you see, i knew i couldn't take the road of the hardened callous man all along. i just sometimes have a hard time remembering to take pleasure in the depth of suffering as well as the depth of pleasure. to drink deep of the bitter nectar as well as the sweet.

A nice, lazy Sunday seems like a good day to clear out the "bin/pictures/odd/tobeposted" folder. For new readers that haven't explored our soft inner cavities yet, I've got a habit of posting a little bit of filth every now and then. Sometimes I get mail telling me about the fun Satan has in store for me when I die, on account of some of my more questionable posts, and I'd like to clear a couple of things up. You have to understand- in real life, me and Eod are refined, yuppie 45-year old dentists. We drive minivans, smoke tobacco in our pipes, and we take our families to the Symphony to provide the same refinement we enjoy to our whiny-ass kids. Seriously, we're total tools.

We just use this website to blow off steam. We made up these identities for ourselves so we could get away with more stuff. You see, if our doctor/lawyer type friends discovered our penchants for amusing pr0n and recreational pharmaceuticals, it could get us kicked out of the best golf resorts. So we got together and created these personas of twenty-something asshole kids who do tech support for a living and spend all their free time tinkering with computers and websurfing. We thought it would appeal more to the youngsters, with their dot-coms and their baggy pants and their pagers and what-not.

So with that said, I present the following pictures. They disgust me, and I think they're just awful, and I would never show them to my tennis-club friends or let my teenage children look at them. I'm only putting them here to continue the charade that I'm some punk kid who likes this sort of filth. So, if you're offended by it, then clearly you didn't understand it - it's a social commentary on the vulgarity of modern media. The basest artistic depictions always belie our basest fantasies, and therefore they convey artistic truth; surely, they cannot be subjected to your mere moral standards.

On the other hand, if you like this sort of shit, If these kinds of pictures make you giggle so hard that you spill the bong, then, um, no explanation needed.

         

         

         

         

Bonus points for whoever can tell me what the fuck is going on with this one...

Aim Chat log: Chatting with my GF from work.

gewdyit420: Not much going on at work.. I might be able to head home early..
libra2277: shit come home be with me
gewdyit420: Take a shit.. Then come home?
libra2277: if you want too
gewdyit420: Is the toliet broken?
libra2277: whatever.. Second thought don't come home..

Saturday, July 8th, 2000

in response to a not-so-modest proposal by weishaupt, i agree that a grass-roots approach is needed if we are to have any chance at salvaging this empire of which we now ride the tide; one based on the notion that (although apparently only within smaller communities) a democracy in which everyone has a say and cares enough about what they say for it to be something of a slightly learned or intelligent bent is achievable and is exactly the type of adaptive non-bureaucratic solution we need to relieve this bogged down system with it's bills and riders on bills and reliance upon, as weishaupt alluded to, the almighty dollar. however, for a solution of this nature to work, the "indifference" movement must be quelled to give those who care enough a chance to engage in "the sorcerer's folly," of which Carlos Castaneda spoke in his second book, a separate reality: "'it's possible to insist, to properly insist, even though we know what we're doing is useless,' he said smiling, 'but we must know first that our acts are useless and yet we must proceed as if we didn't know it. that's a sorcerer's controlled folly.'" he then goes on to say that "sorcery is to apply one's will to a key joint"... "sorcery is interference. a sorcerer searches for and finds the key joint of anything he wants to affect and then applies his will to it. a sorcerer doesn't have to see to be a sorcerer, all he has to know is how to use his will." well, being able to vote that conveniently would certainly use the fruits of our labors in the field of communications and computers to give a shot in the arm to the american republic by allowing a little bit of sorcery for all of us. the "so what" generation is our perpetual downfall, and the power of sorcery differential between the average concerned voting citizen who educates themselves and this pack of sit-on-the-couch-and-complainers will help to quell humanity's indifferent spirit.

I had quite an experience Thursday night, I'd love to take a little time and sit down near the fire to tell you all about it but I'm way to busy. I've got 2 papers I need to push out by Monday and I'm running a little behind schedule. I also need to thumbnail the damn submissions page.. Anyone want to send me a nice thumbnailer? I'm sick of taking things into photoshop and resizing them.. Also feel free to shower me with ftp logins..

In the meantime entertain yourself with Christina Aguilera's Diss to Eminem The Real Slim Shady [Please Shut Up]

i have been beating my head against a wall the past week or so. i have not been able to resolve my desire to remain without a mental barrier between the people with whom i come in contact, with the lesson mean vindictive people try to keep teaching me, which is to step back and surround myself in a shroud of indifference. do i go the idealistic 'beautiful soul' route, and remain my true, sincere, wysiwyg self, which allows me to experience nearly untenable levels of pleasure when good or beautiful things happen or are perceived. but, i must keep slapping band-aids onto gaping, bleeding, shredded holes left by those who would take advantage of a barely defended empath, which do heal rather quickly due to my experience in healing such wounds. i must also let my subconscious take over every now and then so i don't get deluded into a reactionary, surface state of being. or, do i take the darwinistic route, protect myself, and join the ranks of the "nothing can stop me now, 'cuz i don't care anymore" crowd? email me and let me know what you, the PenIsites, think.

Friday, July 7th, 2000

i've started keeping a journal because i've realized that although i have a mind like a cheesecloth trap, i still forget some of my best, most insightful thoughts. and no it's not because i had these thoughts while under the influence of chemical solutions derived from random bottles found under the sink. at least i don't think so. also, i've realized the need to get the blechstovskies out by expressing them, in word and form. here are my first journal entries. as you can see, i'm not feeling very well-adjusted at present.

Thursday, July 6th, 2000

There's a free weekly newspaper in Portland called the Willamette Week (referring to the nearest river). In the Classifieds section, there's a category of Personal Ads called "Chance Meetings" where people try to find other people, whose names or numbers they don't have. Typically, people they met in a bar, or saw jogging. I'd like to share with you one of those ads (currently showing here, but archived on our page for the sake of posterity):

In other news, Fenomas, sorry to hear about your discouragement about your job. Would it help if I told you that I can wear shorts to work? Probably not. I'm happy to report that I've finally achieved my employment objective - to work in an environment where the employees discuss their stock options and purchasing plans on their smoke breaks. I'm unhappy to report that no, the Playstation 2 isn't out here - I think I heard the month of September being bandied about as a possible release window...

Added some new goodies to the submissions area.

Know what sucks a sparsely haired goats nut sack? Forgetting to mail your credit card payment in by the due date. I'm getting pretty bad at this.. I should just set aside $50 and throw it away because each freaking month I forget to pay one of the bills..

Computer Desk Once on my computer desk it begins the second aging process. This one is a bit more involved that the first aging process. Piles of various scribbled on papers, and books must be placed on top of the bills, enough to cover the bills up so that they see little to no light. Again it is to early to open the bills up. It's easiest just to forget about them.. That’s what I do.

Opening Bills When the pile of papers begins to grow, I decide to clean it up by sorting out what I need and don't need. This is when I find the bills in a nice mature aged state. This is the time that I open them.

The Bills This is when it gets tricky. After opening each bill you must read the 2 most important parts. (1) The Due Date, and (2) The Amount Due

(1) The Due Date
The due date is the first thing you must check. You need to know how much time you have before you need to send the Bill in. One of the most important things to remember is the actual month you are in. Remember if it is June 3rd and the Bill is due January 21st you don't have half a year, you are most likely half a year overdue. Don't try to wait until January 21st rolls around again.. I tried it.. They don't buy it..

(2) The Amount Due
No matter how much is due, always pay about $.13 more than the bill cost.. Why? I dunno but I always do.. I like seeing the $.13 credit on my account. And you will to..

4am Thursday Night Good god, you never paid those bills! Jump up from your bed in the middle of the night and stumble into the room with the bills. Crash and trash everything around on your desk and uncover the bills. Once you find the bills, get your lazy butt up and find a Pen.. If you can't find all your Bills, this is normal, they will turn up after a few days. Pay what you can find.. Now it's time to write out the various checks and put them in the envelopes with the checks.. I can't stress this enough, the bills you’re sending back need the checks in them.. After you write out your checks (sign them please, makes things easier), and seal up the envelopes, grabs your stamps.. what? You don't have any stamps.. Don't ask me I don't have any either.. Best just set them on the table by the door so in the morning you'll be reminded that you need to make a quick trip to the store to get stamps..

Morning Wow waking up in the middle of the night sure threw off your sleep pattern didn't it? OH CRAP YOUR LATE TO (Insert Job or Class here)!! Run around and put on the clothes you wore yesterday, grab your keys and run out the door.

End of Day Whew what a day.. Looks like you got some mail.. Best start the aging process and throw the bills on the table by door.. You won't forget about those bills you paid sitting under the new bills right? Course not, you'll remember it in the morning when you go to get the stamps.

(alright, EOD posted like a bitch and wiped out my first post in a million years. So I'll push him down the page and repost...)

Alright, apparently being a poster here on PenIs is supposed to involve some sort of posting, or something. Who knew?

So I'm really down here. Have I sold out? I had to go out and buy a second suit the other day. I mean, when you own one suit, you can kid yourself that you're not really a tool, you just have to dress like one once in a while. Right? But now I bought a SECOND suit. No more kidding around. And not only that, it's a summer suit. Mind you, I have to wear a suit to work every day, so make of my personal habits what you will.

Besides the suit situation, I present the following for your approval. First, I own a tieclip. And cufflinks! Tool city, right? Furthermore, I know both the Windsor and the half-Windsor necktie knots, and I choose which to use based on the length of the tie! Me, who use to go to punk and ska shows in ripped clothes (+1cha) and shitkickers (+1dam -2dex shitkick 2 times/day). I mean, I don't think I used to be a slave of the Man... I think I .. ah, fuck it.

On the other hand, I'm looking at new apartments this weekend, if all goes well, and if I move, I buy a Playstation2. Are those things on sale in America yet? They've been out for a month or two here, and still only 8 or 10 games for sale. But once I buy one, that will comprise my first dvd players, so then it'll be falling asleep to the Matrix and letting it play all night so I can wake up feeling cool. THEN I won't be a tool.

yeah.

The rules are simple. Do something orginal and PenIs related.. We have yet to recieve any stories or writings.. So get those PenIses writing.. Wanna know more? Check out the offical PenIs contest page here.. submissions here.

Why should you submit? Well you greedy bastards, there are prizes..

1st place -- A pair of nipple clamps.. (no joke.. real nipple clamps)
2nd place -- A PenIs teeshirt (yes a real PenIs teeshirt fresh off the press.. pics later)
3rd place -- A Bottle of NoDoz, signed by the NoDoz popping Staff

Not only do you get the chance to win a prize but you get a chance to show whatever you want to show of yourself on PenIs.. As submissions roll in I'll be putting them up on a special link..

Check out contest rules here

Wednesday, July 5th, 2000

i know you PenIsites feel abandoned and betrayed. how can i have left you without the daily epiphany to which you'd become more addicted than weishaupt to his ever-growing collection of oddporn (tm)? well, between having access problems to weishaupt's wondercomputer (he's on it all the time), and having no reasonably working ftp proggy with which to post when access is granted, as well as just plain old having far too many things going on, i've not had a chance, but soon, after i've constructed cyd's new deskpal, which will not look too different from the high end pc suggested by those clever fellows over at sharkyextreme, it will be much easier for me to post, and i will begin implementing some of the ideas i have for my future contributions to your twisted, sick and wrong minds via the medium of this page.

btw, the little kid in the superman pj's is a young, as of yet unjaded and untainted cyd, and the tip of the SuperPenIs(tm) lights up. => i'm setting up my bigass desk... gotta have a cool environment while i waste my life in front of the new computer i'm constructing.

Fuck Wensdays.. Posts and new submissions when I get home from work in 15 hours..

Tuesday, July 4th, 2000

Eod, I cleaned up your typos on the bar-brawl post. What have we discussed about posting at 4 in the morning? Sleep deprivation and its evil twin brother No-Doz make for sloppy grammar. But thank you for making a clear record of the brawl, for future generations to benefit from. I myself was quite satisfied with this brawl, as brawls go, although it certainly wanted for a lack of folding chairs. Folding chairs would have made things alot more entertaining. Oh, and don't let modest Eod fool you people, that salt shaker was aimed straight at that goofy beard of his. Only Eod's graceful, catlike reflexes saved him from certain doom... and a lifetime of "a salt with a deadly weapon" jokes.

Happy Fourth of July, you chuckleheads! Today is the day when we all gather around the barbecue and swill beer and celebrate our country's heritage, the signing of the Constitution, and all that jazz. Well, I say fuck heritage. When our forefathers declared their independence, people only followed them because they were offering a better solution. The Constitution was a nice, tight little piece of engineering. A whole government, with justice for all, layed out on a couple of sheets of paper. It was beautiful. The only problem is, it's accreted a few million metric tons of other sheets of paper of the past few centuries, and I'd say it's time to do a little housecleaning.