Mass transit, least common denominator transportation for the huddled masses, is my primary form of locomotion to and from work. It gets me from home to anywhere and back in fact. There are a few reasons for this, a few of which you should be thankful for, a few of which are simply economics on my part. First, reasons I don't drive:

1) I can't drive worth a crap. I panic to easily, not to mention I am one of those A.D.D. freaks who would rather look at birds and trees than the car in front of me. Fortunately, I have yet to get into an accident with another vehicle, but why risk the damage.

2) Road rage. Ok, rage of any sort. I tend to get pissed at the drop of a hat more than most people, but when in a stressful situation (such as highway 217 at rush hour) nothing peeves me quite like some jackass in a Ford with a "Calvin pissing on a Chevy logo" sticker cutting me off while talking on his cell phone or getting a hand job from some bimbo in the passenger seat. Not that I care about Chevy's, or Fords, or Dodge's, but the whole redneck "piss on" cliché is getting out of hand, and simply shows the stupidity of the person who would put such a sticker on an otherwise nice or even crappy truck anyway.

3) Since I sold my truck to fix the piece of crap, the only car in the family is a mini van. I personally hate this vehicle. Not for the social stigma as much as the number of times it has left me stranded at the least convenient places. Not to mention my wife needs it to move our kids from place to place, and I generally travel solo.

This isn't to say I haven't driven since discovering public transportation, but since the beginning of the year I can count the times I have driven the family van without removing my shoes or the help of a calculator. I'm simply a lousy driver, and people in Portland should be happy that I choose mass transit.

This isn't to say that I wouldn't like the bus anyway. To Trimets advantage, there are several points of interest that make riding as a passenger fun and exciting.

1) An all-zone monthly pass is $52. When one considers licensing, gas, insurance, and the cost of buying and keeping a vehicle running, $52 a month is cheap. When I owned my truck, $52 would barely cover gas for a week, and that was before gas hit realistic prices.

2) The people. You can't come close to imagining the miasma of humanity that can be found on the bus. The route I take from home to downtown goes by a Methadone clinic, a homeless shelter, and tons of low income housing. Then you have the business commuters, the students, and the other assorted freaks. One of my favorite pastimes is people watching, and there are LOTS of people to watch, as well as the occasional fun interactions that can occur when a couple of drunks get on and start hassling the suits. Fun fun fun!

3) Voyeuristic hedonism. At least every other month I see a couple (any sex, or sometimes undetermined sex) make out, heavy pet, then finally get on top of each other and screw in public without concern for who's watching. If you include masturbation (once again, either sex but more often males) the frequency goes up to about once every two weeks. Most passengers try to avert their sight, but I watch with interest. Sometimes the reaction of other passengers is even MORE interesting than the actual act of sex. Once I even saw a chain reaction (late at night, mind you) where one couple started getting it on, then another joined in three seats back, then an older lady got turned on enough to start masturbating. This was indeed the closest thing I have ever come to being in an orgy, and all I had to do was ride the bus.

This isn't to say that mass transit is all shits and giggles. I have seen assaults happen to strangers and friends, I have ended up with some babbling addict that smelled of cat urine sitting next to me, and I have heard some of the most offensive political diatribe spouted at the top of someone's lungs during rush hour. I have heard a woman yelling into her cell phone about how she "was gonna get a fucking abortion damnit" (way too personal for top of your lungs speech, although the discomfort of the guy reading a bible was almost worth hearing it), have seen some of the most disgusting bodily functions occur, and have had to deal with some young wanna-be-rappers who decided wrongly that cologne was a suitable substitution for bathing.

I guess I have it pretty good though. I'm a fairly large guy, fairly sweaty, and tend to scowl or sing alot depending on my mood. This makes it so that I tend to be sitting next to one of the last seats open on the bus. The average commuter, given the choice of sitting next to me or in the other open seat next to some obese woman with open sores on her face, considers the option about 50/50. Many people would rather stand than sit next to me. This gives me room to breathe, stretch out, and watch the show.

In conclusion, I would highly recommend trying the bus as a form of transportation to anyone with a strong stomach and a taste for the macabre. "Reality TV" be damned, this is the best show on four wheels around. It's a hit or miss proposition, but if you can give up your car for a month, I promise you will see some sight you won't easily forget, whether for better or worse. And if you see some big greasy guy singing Soul Coughing just loud enough to hear it, say "Puzzling, isn't it?" and maybe we can watch the show together. Hell, I might even throw in a beer.