Customer: Alright here, I hope your ready to fix a REAL FUCKING problem! This shit started happening about 2 months ago after I installed your new software! You ready to fix this?
Me: I always am sir
Customer: Ok listen up, I'm a MCSE and I'm real sick of your mail servers
Me: (Fair enough thing to be upset about. They have been shitty lately but I don't know what the MCSE is all about. Does that mean I should drop to my knees and worhsip the ground he walks on? Let's see what this guy is made of) Ok sir what mail client are you using?
Customer(loong pause)Ummm, your mail client
Me: (Ahh clever, my mail client) Umm sir we have never programmed a mail client before, if you are confused about the operation of your computer I can send you a newbie's getting started guide. (this always gets there blood boiling). Lets see if I can help you. Do you see a mean ol' lighthouse/ship's wheel or a little blue 'e' with an envolope? (A little egotrashing to his MCSE bloated head)
Customer: Yeah yeah, it's netscape. The error says 'You must type a password'.. See you guys keep fucking up my password!
Me: Well actually the error message indicates your not typing a password
Customer: I AM! LISTEN YOU LITTLE PIECE OF SHIT LISTEN TO ME TYPE!! (Sounds of keys being slammed) I'm typing '1-2-3-4-5'!
Me: Sir with you slamming the keys, your increasing the risk of making a typo. Lets calm down and think about this rationaly. The error message says your not typing a password.. You read off your password (as orginal as it is) as 1,2,3,4,5.
Customer SO!?!?
Me: Is it possible that you are typing on the 10 key and the num lock is off? Try using the numbers above the letters
(looonng pause)
Did it work?
Customer: Yes! but why won't my numbers on the right work!? I can't believe you guys fucked up my computer this bad!
Me: Is the num lock turned off? (I thought he would of picked up on that by now)
Customer: Of course it is! What do you think, I'm an idiot!?!
Me: (I wish honesty was part of my job description) Sir the Num Lock needs to be on, to lock the numbers into being active. Hence the name NUM LOCK.. Go ahead and press the num lock key and try again
Customer: It's not suppose to be on!! God damn you! It's not suppose to be on!
Me: Alright sir.. This is about as effective as tapping my foot in hopes to solve an algebra equation.. Go ahead and try out the 'num lock' on a couple machines and if you still think its a problem give us a call back.. Here is your ticket number. (hey it's free comic relief for the next guy)

customer: I just installed your new version of your software and it wants me to use Internet Explorer! I want Netscape! I'm a MCSE tech and I've been doing networking for 15 years what is with this crap!!
Me: Ok sir calm down. Internet Explorer is built into your Windows98.. Do you still have Netscape on your computer?
customer: Of course I do. I click on the ships wheel and it opens!
Me: Ok and whats wrong with it when it opens?
customer: Nothing! But I want it on my desktop!
(Ok fair enough so we make a shortcut for it)
Me: There you go now you have netscape on your desktop.
customer: WHATS WITH THIS SHIPS WHEEL CRAP! I want the little custom icon!
(He is referring to our isp's custom icon)
customer: Sir the version you install has put a custom skin for internet explorer that icon is now used for IE. You can still open up the same Netscape and nothing has changed by clicking on the ships wheel.
Me: But my whole family and me know it as being the other icon.
customer: Well sir you can downgrade to an older version of our software or you can open the the normal icon for netscape thats on your desktop.
(much bitching continued ater this and I pretty much told him to shut up and deal with it and to call us if he actually had a real problem)
but if I would have let it go on it would of continued like this.

Me: Well sir you could put a post it note on your computer so you and your family don't forget that it is the short cut icon that says netscape on your desktop.
customer: Hmm that sounds pretty hard could you help me out?
Me: OK do you have a post it note? and a pen?
customer: Yes
Me: Ok....
customer: So what am I suppose to do?
Me: Write on the paper "To get on internet click on the netscape icon"
customer: Hmm ok.. (silence for a moment) NOPE NOT WORKING! You guys have really fucked up this time!
Me: Sir is the cap still on the pen?
customer: Yes but that shouldn't MAKE A DIFFERENCE!!!!
Me: Sir please humor me and try removing the cap..
customer: Ok fine its making marks on the paper.
Me: Sir your gonna want to form those marks into words
customer: Ok I wrote my name.. how is this suppose to fix my broken internet connection?
Me: Sir your connection is fine.. Your just having trouble double clicking the icon remember? On that paper write 'To get on internet double click netscape'
customer: fine.. whatever.. I wrote it..
Me: Great now go ahead and remove that paper and stick it to your monitor..
customer: Ok.. wait.. WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON!!! Its not STICKING!!!!
Me: Sir remember you want the sticky side to touch the monitor
customer: Ohhhh ohhhhh ok.. Man your guys service is really complex.. AOL was so much easier..
Me: I'm sorry you feel that way sir. So you have the post it note on the monitor now?
customer: Yes.. wow.. wait a second.. THERE IS NOTHING ON THE POST IT NOTE!!!!!! DAMNIT! I wanna speak to a lead tech!!
Me: Sir this is Tier 2 technical support... This is as high as it goes.. Is it possible you stuck a blank post it note on the monitor instead of the one you made the marks on?
customer: Ohhh yes it appears I did grab the wrong one.. This is obviously your guys fault and way to hard for me. Could you send a tech out?
Me: Sure I understand things like this can get pretty complex..

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I don't know what it has been lately but its been tard fest 2000 at work.

Me:Ok go ahead and pop the floppy in and goto start -> run -> a:\setup.exe
Customer:Ok it says its installing.. Ok it is done.. It wants me to reboot
Me:Ok go ahead and reboot but remember to remove the floppy disk
Customer:Ok..
*silence*
Customer:OH MY GOD!! WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO TO MY COMPUTER!!
Me:What is happening?
Customer:TELL ME WHAT THE FUCK YOU DID TO MY COMPUTER YOU SHIT!
Me:Sir I need you to read me whats on the screen
Customer:FUCK YOU YOUR NOT TOUCHING MY COMPUTER ANYMORE! Now I've got this fucking error' non system disk or system disk error'
Me: Right make sure you remove that floppy
Customer: I'm not touching anything! Your gonna pay for my computer repairs. You'll be hearing from the repair shop!
Me: Sir is the floppy still in the drive?
Customer:YES! BUT THAT DOESN'T MATTER! *CLICK*

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I just looked at my last post I made at work during a call.. The post below probably is about my worst post ever. The second worse being the post before that.. Posting from work always turns into some sort of disaster.. Course I'm dealing with america's finest..

customer:I hope your ready to finally fucking fix this issue.. I've called in 11 times about this!
me: Alright sir please calm down, what can I help you with
customer:You can fucking fix this! Thats what! I can't believe this shit!
me:Well your going to need to be alittle more descriptive
customer:No, I don't need to be more descriptive.. What you need to do is fix this!
me:Sir how am I suppose to know what this is? Are you referring to your connection?
customer:NO! God your suppose to be a Senior Tech? I can't believe your trying to rob me like this
me:I'm going to need you to describe to me what is happening.
customer:When I fucking open netscape it opens in a half screen
me:Does it give you an error message?
customer:No!! aren't you listening!? I have to click 'the box thingy' to have it open to the full screen!
me: The maximize button?
customer: WHATEVER!
me:Your serious.. You've called in 11 times about this and been escalated up to a Senior tech over having to make an extra click?
customer:Your company is about this close a class action suit.
me: Really? How close?
customer: Wha.. why.. Why you little punk! Whats your fucking name!
me: Name's Dick...

Normally I'm 'johnny customer service', but when your a jerk to me I can be a jerk right back.

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90% of the people who call into our support center are wearing bicycle safety helmets to protect what little they have left of their brain. Sometimes that other 10% shines through... Some calls make your day just shine..

Example #1:
Me:Hello how may I help you today?
Customer:*CLICK*

BRAVO BRAVO!
Example #2 Me:Senior support, how can I help you?
Customer:I'd like to cancel!
Me:Great, please hold while I transfer you to sales
(put customer on hold)
(and transfer)

Again I'd like to thank these kind of customers.. You guys make me smile.. The less contact the better

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Me:Hello and thank you for...
Customer:Yeah yeah yeah.. I'd like to order the Ronco food dehydrator
Me:Excuse me?
Customer: The food dehydrater on TV!
Me:This is senior technical support for an internet service
Customer: I see.. So what am I to do?
Me: Umm call the correct number?
Customer: Well information gave me this number.. So what am I suppose to do?
Me: I don't know thats your problem. There is no way I can help you
Customer: Well I'm never ordering from here again
Me: Correct because this is an internet support center not a place to order Ronco products.
Customer:We will see won't we?
Me:We will see what? Mam there is no way you can force me to some how magically sell Ronco products
Customer: Can I speak to your supervisor?

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Me:Whats the error message that just popped up on the screen
Kid: Huh
Me: The error message. What does it say
Kid: The what?
Me:The box that just popped up
Kid: You there?
Me: Yes I'm here
Kid: What do you want me to do?
Me: Read me the error message
Kid: Huh?
Me: Dude read me whats on the screen
Kid: Who?
Me: Fine.. Just close everything down lets do this again
Kid: I can't there is this message that has been in the way that says 'iexplore caused an invalid page fault in module blah'

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Know whats the worst part about taking calls of tech support? Speaker phones, my god people atleast on the beginning part of the call take it off speaker phone. Nothing like listening to an annoying NJ voice echo in your ear.
Me:Could I please have your username?
User:(cutting in and out)Hmm uh.. What did you say?
Me:Username mam.. Can I have your U S E R N A M E..
User:No... I don't know..
Me:Well I'm going to need your username to look up anything on your account
User:What?
Me:Your username.. I need your username..
User:No I don't think I have that disk anywhere
Me:Shouldn't be a disk mam, I just need your Username.. The name you go by on the network
User:I can't hear you very well
Me:Ya possibly because your on the speakerphone
User:What?
(at this point I normally start fucking with the user)
Me:HELLO!?!?
User:Yes?
Me:HELLO!?!?!?!
User:Hello yes I'm here
Me:HELLO!?!!? ANYBODY THERE?
User:Oh my (user picks up phone and turns off speakerphone)
And that folks is how you get the user off speaker phone.

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User:Ok there is something going wrong on your system! I have a college degree in computers and your system is really messed up!
Me: Ummmm, ok, what seems to be the issue?
UserWell you need to fix it! THATS THE ISSUE! Why don't you call me back when you fixed it!
Me: Sir you haven't even given me your username yet, I don't know how I'd be able to call you back.
User: Don't ya'll have Caller ID??
Me: Sir, I'm going to have to get a description of the problem and I will need your username.
User: Fine here is the problem, I try to login to my yahoo mail account and it says wrong password!! I typed in my dialup password about 10 million times!
Me: Sir we have nothing to do with Yahoo. We are just your internet provider
User: Arrggh! Listen here, I login and pay a bill to you guys each month! I see yahoo when it starts up.
Me: Remember sir, we are just your internet provider we have nothing to do with Yahoo. If you have a web account with yahoo you have to contact them.
User: Fine whatever!
Me: Thank you for calling
(I then muted my mic and listened to the user try to figure out how to hang up his phone.)

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Another saturday at work and it's sucking the big fat hairy, puss infected, herpes breeding, itchy rash infected PenIs. I really don't feel like pretending I'm a nice person today, I could care less if people can get there shit fixed or not. Speaking of work, I said 'fuck' to a customer on the phone yesterday which is a big no no.

User: I don't see anything that says 'username'
Me: Look at your screen what do you see?
User: Umm Password and umm..
Me: Stop! right there move your eyes up about 1 inch
User: Uhhhh... ummm.... ok..
(after about 5 mins of explaining the screen to him and that he should have a field that says 'username')
Me: Its real fucking simple the screen has username and password. Thats it.. It isn't trying to trick you
User: Oh.. You mean username..
Me: Yes
User: You guys should make it easier
Me: We cannot make it any easier. Any easier and it wouldn't function as anything, it'd just sit there.

(maybe I didn't say the last line but I always hint at it, whenever they say it should be easier) Saying fuck just slipped out, but we are suppose to be real chipper people. Oh well he was old and probably never heard the first word I said to him. He lied about what was on his screen anyways, old fucker kept rebooting the computer at random times when he got confused.

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Ok y2k went over smooth right? Well that depends.. If your a outdated person obsessed with using Win3.1, Macos 7.1, or Netscape 2.02-4.03 you'll notice Site certificate errors when accessing secure sites. 70% of my calls since y2k have been helping these nuts try and squeeze the last bit of life out of there MacLC or 486dx 50 by upgrading them to a browser that will allow secure connections as of the new y2k standards.

user:Ok listen up here! I'm really pissed off! I just upgraded my 486sx 50mhz from win3.1 to Win95 it cost me $500 to upgrade this thing. now your software won't work on it.
me:(for 500 why not just buy another machine that isn't a 486 based machine):Ok what is happening.
USER:Says NOT ENOUGH MEMORY!
ME: Its possible you don't have enough Memory.
USER: I just spent $500 on upgrading this.
ME: Well lets see what you have. Go ahead and right click on My Computer and tell me how much you have installed.
(after explaining to the user the difference between the right and the left click, we are in business) USER: says 8 megs
ME: Your going to need atleast 16 megs
USER: But I just spent $500.00 upgrading this 486 it should be perfectly fine. What kinda scam are you guys trying to pull!?!
ME: No scam sir, the standard for memory is about 32 megs now.
USER: WHAT!?! I can't believe this! (all sorts of yelling and badgering)
ME: Listen sir, there is no way you can argue your way into it working on your machine. It just will not run on the resources your system has available.
USER: What do you have to be a millionaire to own a computer now days!?!
ME: No sir..
USER: Well what are you going to do!?
Me: Umm nothing, what can I do. Your machine is outdated. I'm sorry.
USER: WHAT!!?! *CLICK*

Fuck, I wish the power did go out during y2k, then I could delay this agony.

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user: Will you help me create an email to a bunch of people.
me: I can show you how the basic email works but we cannot spend all our time showing you how your mail program works. Do you know who you want to mail?
user: No thats the problem how do I find out?
me: Do you know these people?
user No I just want to send it to the whole internet.
me: The whole internet eh? Umm, Mam I cannot help you create spam.
user: Well how do they other people make it?
me: They buy or steal addresses.
user:Why?
me: So they can send out mail to random people.
user: I hate when people do that.
me: Uhh, yeah.. Do you have any technical issues I could actually help you with?

Well, needless to say today has started out like any normal monday at work.

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Nothing like working on Xmas eve. They said they need me in here because I'm one of the only techs that can support multiple platforms. Grreeat, no extra pay just because I can do more. I should of kept my mouth shut. The managers could of run the place today. Of course we have almost a full crew with 70 windows techs doing nothing but sitting and picking their nose with 30 mins between calls. Leaves me to deal with the hicks that have windows machines but where to stupid to make the menu selection, or an iMac user.

pissy customer:How come I have a $600 dollar phonebill!!!!!??
me: I dunno you called a lot of long distance? I don't know we are just your ISP.
pissy customer: But this is one of your dialup numbers.
me: Ok so you called one of our numbers that was considered a long distance number.
pissy customer: Well AOL never charges me.
me: Right sir, we aren't charging you anything. When you dial into any isp you follow the same dialing rules when you call a friend. What happens when you call a friend out of state?
pissy bastard: Well duh I get long distance bill.
me: Exactly, which area code are you in? What areacode is the dialup number in?
pissy moaner: I'm in 818 the number is in 205.
me: Ok thats halfway across the US, so normally there would be long distance.
pissy beotch: but aol..(cut user off)
me: Sir this has nothing to do with the isp charges.
pissy hoe: I want to speak to your manager!! me:Sir this is tech support, for tech problems. You'll waste your time with a manager they will tell you to talk to Customer Service or the Phone Company.
pissy whiner: So what do I do?
me: Call customer service. (But I know they won't do anything about it. It is his own stupidity.. but I don't like Customer Service.. So they can deal with him)

Atleast I get xmas day off this year.

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Me: Ok just double click on the icon
Customer: Ok.. Its loading up. Hmm whats this. Says User agreement..
Me: Right
Customer: What do I do?
Me: Read it.
(3 mins has passed)Customer: Do I click agree?
Me: Sure if you agree..
Customer: What do you mean!? Just TELL ME WHAT TO DO!
Me: Right. If you agree, move your mouse over the icon and click agree, if you disagree click on disagree.
Customer: Agree to what!?!?
Me: The User Agreement you just read.
Customer: Can you just tell me which one to CLICK ON!!!!
Me: Mam, I cannot tell you what to do on a legal agreement. You either.. *CLICK*
Me: Hello?

Oh well, she never even got past the opening agreement screen.

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Customer: "Ya'll listen here, I work with computers all the time and I know something is wrong with your service."
Me:"Ummm, ok, What OS are you using?"
Customer: "Don't try and get all fast talking mumbo jumbo on me"
Me: "Just need to know what OS your using."
Customer: "Hmmmmmm" *long pause* "Ohh its blueberry"
Me: "Ahh 8.6 I take it you have an iMAC"