Back like a discal reherniation -- Weishaupt 7:05 PM PST

I dunno about you, but I'm getting increasingly unsettled by the presidential candidates this year. Personally, I'll probably be voting for Jello Biafra, but during my convalescence I've been following the election news, and if you haven't (like fenomas), it's creepy.

George Bush, Jr.

    Okay, to start with, he's a cokehead, or he used to be. And in college, let's just say his blood-alcohol content was higher than his GPA. Oh, and he's a raging bible-thumper, don't forget that. Every speech, he promises to generate a whole new wave of charitable giving by deregulating faith-based organizations. Which "faith-based organizations" are being harassed by the government, and are hence in need of deregulation? Crazy right-wing gun-toting faith-based organizations, that's which ones. Like the Branch Davidians in Waco, it's a shame that a faith-based organization like them had to deal with such cumbersome governmental intrusion. Thank goodness Bush pushed deregulation laws through the Texas State Senate in '99.

Al Gore, Jr.

    What an alternative. First of all, he's also a major-league bible-thumper. Plus, his wife Tipper is downright creepy. Not to mention that she's a censorship Nazi. Most of Al's campaign platform is things he and Clinton promised to do in 1996, but haven't. And he's a junior, too, just like Bush. What's up with that? Two Juniors? Do you remember anyone with a "junior" after his name that didn't get beaten up regularly at camp? Sure, that's who we need running this country, someone who missed canoeing because he was hiding from bullies in the infirmary.

    So, we have a mildly dumb, coked-out slave of extreme right-wing gun nuts and Jesus freaks vs. a banjo-pluckin' wussy-ass slave of Jesus Freaks and the NRA. Might as well flip a coin. But what about the issues, I hear the editorialists cry: that's the worst part. They have the exact same stance on all issues. Or, to be more precise, all issues may be divided into two broad categories: those issues on which both of these dullards agree, and those issues that neither will take a stance on. Blissfully free from any constructive debate, the candidates are therefore able to devote their full attention to slandering each other. Bush has stopped running his TV ad with the word "rats" subliminally imposed under Gore's face (although his campaign's explanation was pretty fucking funny), so now the only two campaign ads that I've seen them run in the last week say exactly the same thing: "My opponent's social security plan will make seniors join an HMO to get prescription health coverage, but mine will cover all senior citizens." I suppose the two of them probably hired the same ad agency. Seriously, they're making the same claim on the same issue in almost the same words. Couldn't we just have one of these yokels run against a mirror?

Take some time to check this out.-- eod 1:35PM PST

Here is an mp3 of 3 kids playing ad&d.. Seriously this is one of the funniest things I've found lately.

I remember back in middle school our home ec teacher tried to get us suspended for playing AD&D at school claiming that we where trying to force satanic beliefs upon fellow classmates.

Thursday, September 14, 2000

NO SLEEP TIL... -- fenomas 3:49AM JST

Q.Why, oh, why, did I only get four hours of sleep last night?

A.Because the sattelite channel mysteriously included in my new apartment's cable was showing the old Richard Burton - Elizabeth Talyor Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf? at two in the morning.

Q.Why is this such a problem?

A.Because my company's biggest client, a bank, is moving, and I'm scheduled to work tonight from 6:30 (right after my normal job) until about 7:00 AM the following morning.

Q.What were you thinking? Why didn't you weasel out of it?

A.Because they're paying approx. US$ 80 / hour to the people who work on the move.

Q.Oh.

Wow hot shit in the message board!-- eod 11:35PM PST

Wow everyone should check out the message board tons of interesting stuff going on...

Ok, I lied.. It's semi-interesting, but everyone needs to make sure they are checking it and posting in it.

Funny like Grandpa's rotten ensure-- eod 10:36PM PST

Anyone who has been to portland or lives in portland should make sure they visit the roxy. I'm beginning to become a Roxy junkie, (not like the normal junkies outside on the street of it) but being open 24 hours a day and cheaper food than dennys.. it rocks.

But I love Dennys, Eod.
So what, I don't care. Dennys is over priced, microwaved food. The grandslam breakfast will hardly fill my stoned ass up at 3am on a tuesday. I need real food plus Dennys near my apt doesn't stay open past 1am. (or atleast the ones I've found). Let me further break this down to you.

Dennys:
Atmosphere: Shitty lights, plastic plants
Waitstaff: So so
Gripe: They couldn't seat all 6 of us at one table at 3am. Place was empty.
The food:
Grandslam Breakfast
Something that looks like 2 eggs, some bacon and pancakes.
Price: $6 something if I remember
Gripe: I had to order a side of hashbrowns to fill me up which was another $2

The Roxy
Atmosphere: Goths, drunks, ravers, smackies.. A giant plastic jesus and christmas lights.
Waitstaff: A guy with a mohawk sat us, and this cool leather dude took care of our orders
Gripe: It's downtown and not near my apt
The Food:
The Steve Bescemi breakfast
2 eggs, pile of hashbrowns, pile of corn beefed hash, 2 english muffins
Price: $5.50
Ok that's great and all Eod, but I don't live in portland so I have to goto Dennys

See thats the kind of additude that keeps Dennys in business. There are plenty of small greasy pancake house type places that are open to the wee hours of the night. The food is always better and cheaper. Find and support your diner. If you know of a meal at Dennys that is a good deal and would fill my stoned ass up, drop me an email.

Funny like grandma's arm flaps-- eod 7:26PM PST

This is a special message to those special 80 people on hold right now, waiting an average of 1 hour. When you ask "Why does it take so long" the reason is because I'm picking my nose and making a post.

Wednesday, September 13, 2000

Puce.-- jeer 2:56AM EST

I got an e mail from Puce regarding my mentioning of groping myself to her website. I think this is almost certain proof that she wants me. Here was my reply.

Puce,
    Heh, I never expected a response. And judging from the last couple posts I did on penis I've probably made a less than pleasurable impression, what with the comparing girl friends to prostitutes and such. Which makes this much more of a gamble. Ah well here goes. I know this is terribly forward but will you marry me? I want to have your children and I'm a terrific 'house-bitch'.

I mean come on, you don't like cleaning, vacuuming and washing dishes do you?
I can do that for you!

Have a pet?
I'll wash it!

Have consistently bad breath?
So do I!

Speach impediment causing problems in your life?
Doesn't matter.

Missing limbs?
Not a prob.

I'd be the perfect mate.... because I have no other choice.

I don't eat much, I'm low maintenance, what more could you ask for? I say dump whats-his-name and let me love you ( like a rabid dog ).

Pretty Pretty Princess,
jeer

In light of our new found love I've used the magic of Photo Shop to show what it would look like if we were married.

A fine day indeed. The band, cake and obligatory farm animal would all be in attendance.	And of course it wouldn't be a wedding day without the honey moon.

And below I've done what it would look like if Puce, did Puce.

If I hear one more lilly white suburban fuckhole complain about violence in media I'm going to put a bullet in her.-- jeer 2:03PM PST

Do these flubby fucking cunts piss anyone else off to the extent they do me? I want to go off as to why these people feel it's perfectly OK to blame video games, movies, music and such for they're child's behavior despite they're own shoddy parenting skills. But I wont.

I want to go off on the fact that by our very core nature, humanity is violent. And that history & science proves imperialism and and violence, like procreation is one of the primary strings of code in the human condition. But I wont

I could go on to say that religion is by far the biggest precursor to violence. That 'holy wars' have caused the majority of the most horrific wars and torture scenes in history. But I wont.

I want to laugh at the fact that the only place these events really seem to occur is in middle class, Midwest, white suburban towns. But I wont.

I figure if we let them continue to blindly blame everything else in the world eventfully they're own offspring will slowly wipe them all out. My body forces a grin and a chuckle at the thought of what a better place the world would be without ignorant Midwestern wives who think the world is to blame and responsible for her own problems.

I'm back.. Not like Weis but like Portland-- eod 11:08AM EST

I'm back, I had quite an adventure up in seattle, in fact I'll tell you a few tales of my adventure but not right now. Right now I have to goto work. Here is a small update of whats up. My I-Opener is in the mail johnaton, a penis reader, hooked up this i-opener gem for $125. I picked up a 3 gig laptop hd for it off ebay, this thing will be ready to rock in the next few weeks. I also picked up a new double perk water pipe, for tobacco of course.. And more importantly I have my unlocked duron, which was a concern because now they are removing the pins to the l2 cache to further lock them down.

Monday, September 11, 2000

Now for a tough one -- fenomas 9:27AM JST

Many props go out to the alert PenIs readers who knew without even a blink that Joe Chill was the gangster who killed Bruce Wayne's (Batman's) parents. The quickest on the draw was Pedro.G. Nice going. Sorry, you don't win any pr0n, but you do win your email address posted on an e/n site, which means lots of spam for you.

Now that we are warmed up, Are you people ready for a tough question? Who was George Robner? And don't bother mailing me if you have to look it up.. the answer is (like all other information) available on the internet-- I'm just wondering if anyone out there knows it off the top of their heads.

Maybe I should start an "Obscure Trivia that Fen Happens To Know" contest. Whaddya think?

Sunday, September 10, 2000

If you're like me, wow you life really fucking sucks. -- jeer 17:49 EST

EOD and Sara are still in Seattle I think. Fenomas & Zippy have been keeping PenIs up and alive and I think Josh and Weis are both dead. Let's see. I recently quit my cushy little job at an Internet start up for nothing really, came home and now await my fucking check which is more than two weeks late. I have no jobs lined up, no plans and no money. What I do have are credit card bills on the way. I don't regret leaving though.

I spend my days now eating popcorn 24/7, watching the cartoon network, scrambled porn channels we don't get and fondling myself while reading the lovely and talented Puce. Which normally would be my ideal life style if not for the sense of constant dread about what I'm going to do now. If I were smart I'd just get a little menial job at the new Internet cafe and just think about what I want to do now instead of leaping into anything like usual.

Wow, I think I just turned penis into one of those pointless e/n sites I hate so much. Oh and Sara, it's your fucking turn now.

Saturday, September 9, 2000

No relation to Joe Chill -- fenomas 17:49 JST

Just wanted to say thanks to all our readers for the clever and insightful responses I got to my post about humans and the environment and killing. However, to clarify the most commonly asked question, Joel Cairo was the little weaselly guy played by Peter Lorre who kept trying to stick up Sam Spade in The Maltese Falcon.

Now who was Joe Chill?
(No points if you have to look it up)

(Thanks to reader further8 for pointing out that Cairo wasn't the fat guy - that was Kaspar Gutman, played by Sidney Greenstreet.)

Friday, September 8, 2000

I bid thee, fair Madam, Ad... *BURRRRRRRP*. Excuse Me -- Zippy 12:15AM EST

Well, it's that time of year again... back to school. My ultra-super-cool P200 rig is going down tonight and I move back to water-town on saturday. I think this will be the last post from the Zippster for a few weeks until I can arrange for some sort of internet connection up there. However, don't think you're lucky enough to just be getting rid of me... oh no... much like that annoying grand-uncle on his deathbed, I'm going to make you sit down and listen to everything I have to say because he and I both know that your mom will smack you upside the head if you don't. Now sit!

Have you ever just been surfing ( online that is, real surfing is dangerous, and doesn't appeal to the average geek ) when all of a sudden some stranger sends you a message through AOL's Instant Messanger? I mean... the nerve! How dare you interrupt my porn browsing with your silly questions? In this case though, the first question to come out of his/her/it's mouth was "Are you big bobby?"
Now.. I *could* have been a nice guy and just said no, because I'm not big bobby after all. But I'm not a nice guy, and I even felt like being a bit of an asshole, so the natural response to her question was an immediate "it is indeed". I didn't know how far this would go, but I figured that I might as well strap in and ride 'er for all she was worth. The resulting chat with a total stranger awaits you here, minus the spicey end which involved no less than a thick 9" vibrator, two orgasms, and some implied incest. Yep, it's that easy folks. All names and phone numbers have been changed to protect the not so innocent.

Next, here's what happens when you combine some well thought out dialog, a really horny girl, and stuffed animals. Carefull folks, this a biggie, weighing in at 12 megs. Definitly not for you dialup users. Parts 2 -5 to follow soon. Yep... 60 megs of stuffed bear goodness, just like mama used to make.

I got some good advice today from Lauren. She said " Don't donkeypunch your woman. It hurts her ass. " And to think... all this time I thought they were yelling because they enjoyed it. Shows what I know.

That's it for me folks. I'll see you all in a few weeks. If any girls or narcs out there want to offer me sex in the messageboard, feel free to do so.

Dew's Day, September 5, 2000

She was only a prostitute, but she had the prettiest face I ever came across. -- fenomas 9:38AM JST

Did you ever take a good look at the humans milling around on this planet, and realize that we all look pretty god-damn much alike? Sure, some people are a shade more aesthetically pleasing than others, and oftentimes we are persuaded by the big bad media to put stock in this big myth that being beautiful is a talent worthy of praise.. But hell, we all have eyes in more or less the same place, and the same number of noses and so on; it's not like there's really that much variation. Sometime when you have a moment, try to abstract your thoughts and forget what you've learned, and take a good hard look at some model, and I think you'll find that she looks a hell of a lot like the chick next to you on the bus.

Here's something Scott McCloud pointed out in his wonderful book, Understanding Comics. If you draw a circle on a piece of paper, and put two dots more or less in the top of the circle, and some sort of curved line more or less in the bottom, what do you have? Basically everyone in the world will recognize what you've drawn as a human face, despite the fact that what you've drawn looks absolutely nothing like anyone on earth.

So we can distill the appearance of anyone to two dots and two lines, and yet we walk around basing our lives on how attractive we are. It would be like a society where tall people were praised and short people demeaned, even though every single last person was between 6'3" and 6'4". It really makes you wonder about people who define their worth on their appearance.

Monday, September 4, 2000

The name's Dunstock, it's not Dumptruck -- fenomas 3:48PM JST

Do you like fighting games? Do you know every move in the faqs, along with all the known cheats? Do you regularly pull off monster combos?

Well I still own you, since I can now play Tekken Tag Tournement at home. ;^P

Sunday, September 3, 2000

Deeper than the crack of Joel Cairo's ass -- fenomas 09:23AM JST

      So I've been thinking about how, when someone does something really ghastly, like gut their whole family, or commit genocide, or refuse to renew their contract with the X-files, we describe their behavior as inhuman. How does that work? How can it be inhuman to do something that humans do with any regularity? After all, how many different animals are there that go on kill-crazy murder sprees and then interview each other about on Hard Copy? Just one, baby, us. So that kind of behavior would seem to be not so much inhuman as distinctly human.
      In the larger scheme of things, I'm trying to approach (from an angle) the question of what we, as humans owe the world. Do we have an obligation to keep the earth clean, and save the spotted owl? I say no, for the same reason that anteaters don't have a responsibility to save the ants. We're humans, and if we kill and eat everything in sight and leave our oily shitty residue all over everything, well, then that's just what humans do.
      "But then," one might argue, "what would happen if the anteaters polluted and destroyed all their ants?" Simple, they'd all die. They would starve, and pretty soon we'd have a world free of anteaters, and they'd deserve it too, for being such a stupid lot of anteaters. But still, you couldn't say that they did anything un-anteater-like. They were what they were, and they died, and that's all you can say.
      To sum up: Humans can do smart things and stupid things. We commit actions that are noble, or aesthetically pleasing, or vile, or base. We can lengthen or shorten the lifespan of our species. But whatever we do, we are a part of nature, and we function within it, so it is natural for us the behave as we will. Don't worry about the Earth-- the absolute worst we could do is poison ourselves with radiation and die out, and in a couple of hundred million years (the blink of an eye, to planets and such) you'd never know we were here at all.

Of course, that's just my opinion. It's open to discussion...

September 2, 2000

It's like an erection and a piece of ass. It feels real good but it doesn't last.-- eod 12:03PM PST

Sara and I are heading up to seattle for about 12 days for a bit of a vacation. We planned on sleeping in a bit, which is something we don't do very often, when I'm awaken by a dry throat. Hey I can remedy this with some water, I get up and stumble into the bathroom to drink some water. I put my head under the sink and turn on the facuet.. I hear a few burps and gurgles but no water. Odd atleast a small stream of water comes out, I then hear shouting outside. I walk to the window to investigate and who else is there. Our maintance repair man "Mr. Magoo"*, and a building full of angry tenants yelling at him that the water doesn't work. His general reponse is, "I know I did it", to which the tenants response is "But I have to take a shower before I goto work, I'm already 10 mins late" and his reponse? "you should get ready for work earlier next time"

*If you don't know the stories of Mr. Magoo, your lame. He is our deaf in both ears, and almost legally blind apartment repair man. Who has not only shocked himself once in our apartment trying to install a base board heater but twice in the same day doing the same thing. He seemed enlightened when I offered to flip the breaker off for the power. Yes he is also the one who told us not to worry about the smoke coming from out fuse box, which later turned into a fire and which we had no electricy for 2 days.

*jeer's note: EOD is a shmuck.

September 1, 2000

Well kids, it's official, tomorrow I go under the knife. It's been a fun couple weeks of agony, but that'll be over with 24 hours from now. By that time, hopefully, I'll have one less disc in my back, and a couple of nurses' phone numbers. Thanks to everyone who emailed to commiserate or offer condolences, it really helps to know that somewhere, out there, a couple of dozen or so pothead geeks are on my side. I'll have the results of my surgery up here sometime this weekend (sorry I didn't have the forethought to make some sort of "Guess whether weis lives or dies" contest), and in the meantime, think good thoughts. Or if you don't want to think good thoughts for me, at least try not to get my surgeon drunk.

New orb heatsink.-- jeer 3:39PM EST

Earlier this week I called Thermaltake and spoke with some of they're people. They informed me that on Friday a newer version of the orb heatsink is coming out specially made for socket a rigs. In this latest incarnation they have switched from a large circle base to a square base that should better fit motherboards. They also promised that it would outdo it's predecessor.

Well they're out but thermaltake hasn't updated they're page yet. I believe the product number is PAL6035 so if anyone wants to go hunting...

They also come in chrome and soon green too I think.