I got an email from bme couple days ago stating that we where using one of their copyrighted mpegs. No legal action this time, they just want a link.. Fair enough me being into light body modification and them having a site on body modification, I have no trouble linking to them. I'm linking to them cause I like the site not cause they spit some legal fluff at me. Takes a little more than just some threats to ruffle my feathers.
I disappeared these past few days to head up to Seattle, surprised mum for mother's day, partying down alittle and ended up dropping some cash onto some new rims and rubber for my car. Turned out to be a pretty good trip, I also went over 24 hours without touching a computer.. After the first few hours of cold sweats, and a rabid fever I began to come to grips with myself once again.
An interesting thing happened to me on the way back from Seattle to Portland. About 90 miles into the trip back I had to relieve myself at the nearest gas station. Soo we pull off at the nearest gas station along side the freeway in the sticks. Most gas stations have some sort of locked and lengthy system to using the bathroom. So I approach the nice east indian man at the counter:
Me: Hello I was wondering if I could use your restroom.
Surely East Indian Man: What you think you just gonna pees all over my counter!? Why would you want to pee on my counter!
Me: Umm no, I never said I was going to urinate on your counter. This is why I asked if I could use your 'restroom'. I'm sure you understood what I was asking but in a cunning attempt to try to make your job seem like you have to deal with idiots instead of you being the idiot who pumps my gas you tried to turn the words around.. I have to admit that you did a horrible job doing so.
Surely East Indian Man: :Its bes over there! (as the angry man points to a corner with an unmarked door open)
Me: Thanks!
After a nice break in the bathroom.. I clean up and walk back to my car.
As I pass the man who is at this time giving me the evil eye. I walk up to him and give him a big cheesey grin yet an irated look in my eye and say
Me:: Goodbye! Have fun!
And I walk out the door
Surely East Indian Man: Don't yous ever comes around here again!
Me: Oh man.. Darn! With your excellent customer service you showed me instead I was just about to bring my family in here so we could celebrate mothers day in here.
Surely East Indian Man: Fuck off you punks..
Surely East Indian man should be read in your best Quik-E Mart Apu voice.
'twas me, josh, and yer welcome. remember to try and leave an old version
of the page up during your modification of the source. :)
BTW: Thanks for fixin' the problem EOD.. Sorry! :)
Well it looks like our friends over at NASA have been quite busy
lately with another big project! It looks like they are planning on building a real space
ship complete with sails and all! Apparently in the year 2010 they will launch this mighty
sailing ship to sail the heavens and race to where the Voyager currently is in only 8 years!
Now that's fast! Her top speed will be a mere 58 miles per second. Well if you wana read more
about this mighty ship just click here
and be tickled!
some
of you may never
have heard of the church
of the subgenius. you are sick, depraved little monkeys and should be
ashamed of yourselves. i discovered "the church" five or six years ago
in college while listening to the radio. if you have been deprived
of the great wisdom that is the random spewings from bob, why are
you still
reading this? go become enlightened!
| Sunday, May 14th, 2000 |
i've discovered that i'm the source of much emulation.
well, let's start with online cyds and
how to build one. imposter cyds illustrate kid's books, write poetry,
write racy stories, rant about sassitude, start freaky bands, and try to
positively influence the community through youth
programs. strartingly bad imposter cyds look like this
guy, support sandra bullock, over the hill dancers, young california democrats, and thewelsh,
as well as musing about the ability to measure dissimilarity and similarity, thinking about kim's assignment, and finally trying to pass me off as a cyclodextrin(CyD).
i learned that just as the buddha is everywhere, so is the cyd, and he
takes many forms.
Which probably means you're not like me. But if you are,
go grab the
Team Fortress mod for quake3. You'll want to grab four files:
q3f_beta1,
q3f_beta1b,
q3f_beta1c, and
q3f_final; then
extract them in
the same order in the Quake III Arena directory. The whole thing
weighs in at about 10 megs, and it includes a Gamespy menu
tab, for easy gib-launching pleasure.
today's epiphany comes from my friend, the reverend mother mary michael
jackson.
she told me a lovely sufi story of a man who constantly cried out to god
but
received no response. after a while, the devil whispered to this man,
"how long
will you wait for god to respond "here i am" to all of your entreaties?"
this
broke the man's spirit, and he stopped calling out to god. in a dream,
however,
he envisioned an image of the devine, who asked him why he had stopped.
the man
said that god had never answered his call. the wise dream-image that
represented
god, then said "do you not realize that every calling of yours IS my
response? ... -the urge to call out to god is ALWAYS answered
simultaneously as it is spoken, for ultimately there is no difference
between the caller and that to which one calls."
customer: I just installed your new version of your software and it wants me to use Internet Explorer! I want Netscape! I'm a MCSE tech and I've been doing networking for 15 years what is with this crap!!
Me: Well sir you could put a post it note on your computer so you and your family don't forget that it is the short cut icon that says netscape on your desktop.
I seriously thought we had the Kids Webby in the bag but as he said some other site took the award. Mine as well shut down the site since the kids will go someone better. I mean the site has gotta be good if it won a Webby right? Its gotta be..
Congratulations to my friend and frequent bondage partner
Stile
for winning some kind of award or something. His poor benighted
Mother finally has something to feel proud about, if birthing
a miniature Howard Stern with a substance abuse problem can be
a proud accomplishment. Check out his acceptance
speech and try to guess whether the drunken naked guy really
is Jay himself or not. Now, I know, but I ain't tellin.
The reason, of course, that I know is because I've fucked
Stile in the asshole. Don't get the wrong idea, not ass-fucking
like in a gay way! It was more like the way a Viking would fuck
another Viking.
Now that's all well and good, but by some bizarre oversight
we didn't win a god-damn thing. wtf?
In order to help rectify that situation, I've come up with
a few adjustments we can make that will guarantee us thousands and
thousands of hits:
2. A brand new motto for Pen Is: Every picture shall be on its
own page, and every page shall have seven banners. Just imagine
how much we'd make from ad click-thrus! Wait, it occurs to me that
someone already thought of that. Don't wanna steal an idea from a
Webby winner do we? So that leaves
3. Porn! When in doubt, porno always pulls in the pageviews. I'll
get to work on the annoying javascript popup windows, and then I'll
post the same seven grainy blowjob pics in the "Samples" section
from now until the end of time. But you all won't care about the
samples, because you'll all want to join our special Members section,
right? All the Mighty Penises you could want, and it costs less
than feeding one of Sally Struthers' orphaned toddlers!
The Webby
Awards are taking place tonight, it'll be on a live
webcast in an hour. I'm watching the pre-ceremony
festivities right now, and it's about as exciting as
you'd think it would be. I wonder how the Webbys got
started. I envision a bunch of investment capitalists
sitting in a walnut-paneled room: "Gentleman, we've
almost finished completely commercializing the web.
All we need now is an awards show." I guess somebody
was gonna do it... But the name "Webbys" is a definite
mistake, and not solely because it ought to be "Webbies."
Perhaps "Clickies" would be a better name for a web-award.
Or better yet, the "Pr0nni3s."
Not Darva Conger.. Remember her, she and 50 other woman went through various parades, and tests to see who was worthy of the mystery millionaire. She was the lucky winner, yet she ended up dumping him about 5 mins into the marriage.. She claimed "She wanted her life back to normal".. So what does she do? She poses for play boy, I guess that would be her normal life as a softcore porn model?
Source:About.com Newscenter
yesterday, you journeyed the inner path to epiphany. for those whom are
more jellyfish-esque, today i am hooking you up with epiphanies which are
silver spoon fed from a new reader at www.onlineepiphany.com.
Man these chat logs had me cracking up today at work. S
In other news, Eod did a beautiful job of
retouching Josh's
cam pic. I think Eod was trying to accurately portray what
Josh looks like on, let's say, any given Friday night.
Beautiful job, Eod. When you decided to do computers for a
living, you deprived the world of a depraved artist.
you can love
your PenIs to death. just don't *love* your PenIs to death.
This is actually a test print for an ad I was gonna do for a new type of
skin lotion that comes in penis shaped bottles!!
Tip of the day:
until weishaupt get that pic of me and my ex off of his
cam, i'm going to keep modifying it. :)
i know i should support our site and it's affiliates. but i can not do so
for torture sloth (one of our rotating links of the moment) without
voicing these concerns aimed at
reducing the amount of torture it is to deal with that site.
1. don't make the reader watch the
"kidnapping" in between each torture.
2. bit by bit, add more torture tools.
3. have different tool combinations of
two and maybe even three produce
different results.
maybe you could incorporate this artillery shell buttplug into the van scene. heh.
other than that, the idea and concept is entertaining and once it is a bit
less torture to view, will be worth my personal endorsement, even if it is
a bit like the hamsterdance page: a one hit wonder. one must keep time
efficiency in mind when constructing a vehicle of entertainment. the
amount of entertainment received is calculated along with ease of access
and time spent waiting for something to load, and not everyone has adsl or
better, though i'll admit to being amongst the spoiled.
Say Josh. That Top-Ten list was a fine post... if you're
a pantywaist little slip of a girl with golden ringlets and a
dimpled smile! What have you done with the real Josh? The
man who posted this??? I hope this isn't some the result
of some nefarious mind control device used by Furth3r
in his jihad...
PenIs readers:
WinDrunk
HighGrow
1. If it's on sale, you need it.
i realized today that some of you may not know what an epiphany is.
the thrust of my jib is definition 3. if you are a bit more
philosophical,
you might want to check out a
discussion on the existence of epiphanies, but,
seriously, you'd have to be a behaviorist to think that epiphanies do not exist.
If you get invited to your first orgy, don't just show up nude. That's a common mistake. You have to let nudity "happen."
I'll be adding something to the Crapper
later tonight, or tomorrow, whenever I get un-lazy. Not that
it matters when I post it, because trust me, you don't wanna
see it. Unless you're sick, sick, sick. Let's
just say it'll be a very unfunny twist on Mother's Day.
IF YOU ARE A CUSTOMER WHO WANTS TO RETURN SOMETHING, DEAL WITH THE
MANUFACTURER. THEY ARE THE ONES WITH THE HUGE CUSTOMER SERVICE EXPENSE
ACCOUNTS. ALSO, THE CUSTOMER SERVICE REPRESENTATIVE WANTS NOTHING MORE
THAN FOR YOU
TO BE HAPPY - UNLESS YOU'RE AN ASSHOLE. BE NICE AND THINK BEFORE
YOU SPEAK.
although i usually try to spread my special brand of laughter-inducing
madness wherever i go, sometimes people really just need to be insulted.
Okay people, the time to whip out your star-spangled Pen Is now, cuz
it's votin time. Our own amateur erotic film director Eod has changed the poll to
something far more sensible than whatever it used to be. The
question: should we get hosted by by bla-bla or not. The good side would
be that they'd host it and the site would load faster (allowing me
to post more of my archive of hideous buck nekkid granny pictures
perhaps). The bad side
is they have banners, and thus by definition they'll probably
steal your valuable consumer information and send you catalogues
for authentic Pen Is collectibles and related merchandising
efforts (soon to include the "Inflatable Eod" and the "My first
crack pipe" endorsed by Josh's Momma). I didn't used to think
we ought to go with them, but now I've had one of my trademark
mood swings, and flip-flopped on the issue. Maybe they could
fix our hitcounter... It's been fucked up for awhile, so I have
no idea how many people read the page- if attendance has dropped
significantly, you may want to vote several times to shore up my
fragile ego.
Euphenol: PenIsMightier is a truly beautiful testament to how incredibly ruined our society is..
Source:times uk
Source:Virtual Newyork
CNN reported Friday that the virus was tracked to the e-mail address of a
23-year-old Manila man through an Internet service provider in the
Philippines.
A spokesman for Sky Internet in Manila told CNN that authorities told him
a warrant will be served in the near future, but no arrests have been made.
Investigators have cautioned that e-mail address codes can be falsified.
Read more?
Outlook has been giving me strange errors when
trying to connect to my Hotmail account for about a week now.
Why would I expect two Microsoft products to work together?
Call me an idealist. I finally fixed the POP url tonight, and
all I was rewarded with was a tempting offer for dental insurance.
Goddammit. Apparently my social life is so discouraging that
even the illusion of human interaction is starting to look
pretty good. It's not that I never leave my apartment... it's
just that when I do, I don't speak to anyone. Ah well. No matter
how bad my social life, my solemn pledge to you, the Pen Is reader,
is that I will never resort to meeting up with an alleged woman
from IRC sexchat room. ummm, again.
1. "fate" is not predetermined, it is malleable. however, much
like a 2 year old child, it can not be controlled, you can only
hope to contain it, with brief illusions of direct control.
2. often, those whom are on the lesser end of the spectrum of
self-actualization tend to have quite a cynical view of "luck."
they sometimes go so far as to believe that the world is against
them. it is.
3. "fate," "luck," and "syncronicity" are all post-hoc concepts
used by humanity to try to understand the past. which is only
truly useful when applied to the present, at the moment of cusp.
"Fate" is a practical joke by the general at the
expense of the particular. "Luck" is a method the universe
has developed of pissing you off. "Good luck" is where fate
richly rewards other people, far less deserving than you, to teach
you that success is arbitrary. "Bad luck" is where fate
finds a humorous way to really stick it to you, and it happens
because God hates you. A "synchronicity" is when fate fucks up
and you see the gears turning, for a second.
[ What? me ask for less weird pictures? --weis ]
Another HOT release for the PSX. Man will the PSX ever stop kicking ass?
if you bust ass assessing your place in life and the status of your
standing within your own morals, and also work hard at resolving the
gap between how you are and how you want to be, "chance" will bust
ass to make sure you are "lucky" most of the time.
So I see on the news today that Wells Fargo is going to
start showing movie trailers, ads, and other "content"
on their ATMs while you wait for your transaction to
go through. OK, fine, we all knew it was coming. Deep
down, all of us smug, holier-than-thou "I dress like I'm
in a punk band but I drive an Acura" internet wiseasses
have always known that for a truly cool, fiber-optic-laden,
broadband-wired world, the price we will pay is advertising,
advertising, advertising. Okay, fine, anyone under 25 has
already converted about a quarter of their frontal lobes into
a complicated advertising-avoidance mechanism. The thing that
utterly galls me is that we're going to have to peripherally
absorb the secondary advertising in which Wells Fargo touts
this "advance in technology" and tries to spin it as some sort
of service toconsumers. Which is essentially advertising for
advertising. Marshall McLuhan's must be spinning around in his
grave so fast that his best suit has buffed the walls of the
coffin into mirrors.
Yes! I have finally bid highest on my ebay auction. I used to make fun
of ebay, "Your just buying over priced junk". Well not anymore. Check it
out here I finally found something worth bidding on.
Check out who has highest bid!
I don't know what it has been lately but its been tard fest 2000 at
work.
Me:Ok go ahead and pop the floppy in and goto start -> run ->
a:\setup.exe
Anyone who has a remote understanding of computers knows that A: boots
before C:.. So the computer assumes he wants to boot with his driver disk.
Oh well he will take it to the shop and they will either A) laugh or B)
charge em up, keep his computer for a week and give him a nice juicy bill.
I hope they give him a huge bill.
So it seems this guy is out of town on business on a Friday night,
so he heads out to the local bars. He tries a few promising
looking watering holes, but every woman he hits on gives him
the cold shoulder. When the bars close, the guy finds himself
drunk, lonely and horny, and he's staggering back to the
hotel when he comes across a trashy looking hooker in an alley.
So he asks her how much, and she says it'll cost him a hundred
bucks for a fuck.
90% of the people who call into our support center are wearing bicycle
safety helmets to protect what little they have left of their brain.
Sometimes that other 10% shines through... Some calls make your day just
shine.. Example #1:
Example #2
Me:Senior support, how can I help you?
Me:Hello and thank you for...
today's daily epiphany comes again from my beautiful friend, the reverend
mother mary michael jackson. they say that once we become enlightened we
will see that everything is
perfect... this may be true from a different point of reference but from
where
we stand, life is the process of being constantly urged this way and that;
we are
never satisfied with what is. we rarely attain a sense of perfection, and
if we do
it only lasts for a moment. we live in paradox. we rarly want what we
can have,
and we often desire what is out of reach. because the nature of duality
and symbolic logic is
imperfect, we never meet the perfect friend, the perfect spouse, the
perfect
teacher. if we follow the belief that perfection is within our reach, we
assuredly will become frustrated, unhappy, and unfulfilled, or even worse,
bored, constantly tired, and indifferent... may we all be blessed to find
comfort
in being less that perfect, and to find peace in the eternal chaos of
life. remembei, we are always in process, we are always here, now.
Man, what a boring weekend. I think I'm getting carpal
tunnel from Quake3, but those wristpad things slowdown my
twitch shot. I would guess that more than 50% of my
caloric intake this weekend came from Taco Bell, and
the one time I bothered to leave my apartment (to
play hackeysack), it rained. Goddamn, I'm getting
sick of the rain. My car needs a tune-up, the apartment's
a mess, and my laundry needs doing again. And my
back hurts. And I need a haircut. Bitch, whine, moan.
To top it off, the Blazers lost to the Jazz today.
And furthermore, the fucking flower company fucked up my Mother's
Day flowers. Here's
the email I sent them.
I strongly reccomend that you all avoid the nimrods at proflowers.com, no matter how fresh their
goddamn daisies are. 
Stile posted another one of your videos. And
once again, no props are busted out to you... I feel your pain.
I assume Cerb is referring to the Wheelchair
Rebecca clip, which you'll find in the Crapper. Well, that does it Stile.
I tried to be nice about it before, but this time I lay
down the law. Your penance is to design a banner for Pen Is.
Elsewise, in honor of Mother's Day, I violate your Mother.
Saturday, May 13th,
2000
Friday, May 12th,
2000
Me: Ok sir calm down. Internet Explorer is built into your Windows98.. Do you still have Netscape on your computer?
customer: Of course I do. I click on the ships wheel and it opens!
Me: Ok and whats wrong with it when it opens?
customer: Nothing! But I want it on my desktop!
(Ok fair enough so we make a shortcut for it)
Me: There you go now you have netscape on your desktop.
customer: WHATS WITH THIS SHIPS WHEEL CRAP! I want the little custom icon!
(He is referring to our isp's custom icon)
customer: Sir the version you install has put a custom skin for internet explorer that icon is now used for IE. You can still open up the same Netscape and nothing has changed by clicking on the ships wheel.
Me: But my whole family and me know it as being the other icon.
customer: Well sir you can downgrade to an older version of our software or you can open the the normal icon for netscape thats on your desktop.
(much bitching continued ater this and I pretty much told him to shut up and deal with it and to call us if he actually had a real problem)
but if I would have let it go on it would of continued like this.
customer: Hmm that sounds pretty hard could you help me out?
Me: OK do you have a post it note? and a pen?
customer: Yes
Me: Ok....
customer: So what am I suppose to do?
Me: Write on the paper "To get on internet click on the netscape icon"
customer: Hmm ok.. (silence for a moment) NOPE NOT WORKING! You guys have really fucked up this time!
Me: Sir is the cap still on the pen?
customer: Yes but that shouldn't MAKE A DIFFERENCE!!!!
Me: Sir please humor me and try removing the cap..
customer: Ok fine its making marks on the paper.
Me: Sir your gonna want to form those marks into words
customer: Ok I wrote my name.. how is this suppose to fix my broken internet connection?
Me: Sir your connection is fine.. Your just having trouble double clicking the icon remember? On that paper write 'To get on internet double click netscape'
customer: fine.. whatever.. I wrote it..
Me: Great now go ahead and remove that paper and stick it to your monitor..
customer: Ok.. wait.. WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON!!! Its not STICKING!!!!
Me: Sir remember you want the sticky side to touch the monitor
customer: Ohhhh ohhhhh ok.. Man your guys service is really complex.. AOL was so much easier..
Me: I'm sorry you feel that way sir. So you have the post it note on the monitor now?
customer: Yes.. wow.. wait a second.. THERE IS NOTHING ON THE POST IT NOTE!!!!!! DAMNIT! I wanna speak to a lead tech!!
Me: Sir this is Tier 2 technical support... This is as high as it goes.. Is it possible you stuck a blank post it note on the monitor instead of the one you made the marks on?
customer: Ohhh yes it appears I did grab the wrong one.. This is obviously your guys fault and way to hard for me. Could you send a tech out?
Me: Sure I understand things like this can get pretty complex..
From Furth3r:
This is very, very sad. The low point was the Kid's Webby. I was so looking forward to seeing PenIs win that one but some site that actually had something to do with kids got it. I think it was stacked.
1. New Features! We're gonna rip off every website we can find, and
pass the savings on to you. Now open for business: the Pen Is Mightier Auction Page,
Pen Is Mightier Gardening
Hints, and Pen Is Mightier
Home Mortgage Calculator. And I'm working on a daily pornographic
word puzzle of some sort.
Ah well. Maybe we'll never get millions of readers here at Pen Is.
Maybe we'll never get big fat checks from banner ads, and maybe
we'll never achieve fame and fortune for our endavours. That's okay.
None of that matters, because after months of downtime,
The Giver is
back.
Thursday, May 11th,
2000
NEW YORK (Reuters) - It's official: Darva Conger, the game-show bride who rejected her instant husband and their bizarre marriage in a bid to restore her ``privacy,'' has bared all for an upcoming issue of Playboy magazine.
Conger married 42-year-old Rockwell in front of 22 million television viewers on ``Who Wants to Marry a Multi-millionaire'', a ratings sensation for the FOX-TV network.
But the show triggered a national scandal after a Web site revealed allegations of violence in Rockwell's past and Conger wanted little to do with him on their honeymoon cruise.
Wednesday, May 10th,
2000 
we can't lose to this site. for the love of all that's good in the
world, vote
for us as a top 100 e/n site. :)
It's official, Tomb Raider is illegal to fantasize
about. The shameless promoters over at Core
have hired a new model to play the part of Lara Croft
at video game shows, Sci-Fi conventions, or wherever it
is that a Lara Croft lookalike is neded: Miss Lucy
Clarkson, aged 16. Hailing from Rotherham, Yorkshire,
Miss Clarkson/Croft (who measures in at 32DD/25/36 in
case you're thinking of sending her lingerie) will be
appearing at E3, so if you're lucky enough to be there,
bring a jacket or something to hold in front of your
crotch. But enough chatter, let's get to the pictures
(which I've mirrored here, since the official site I got them from loads slower
than shit):
Yet more silliness for the Crapper.
This is a clip from Troma Team's fine motion picture "Tromeo and
Juliet." If you're unfamiliar with Troma, they're the
makers of such tasteful films as Toxic Avenger, Bloodsucking Freaks, and my favorite, Rabid Grannies (see last addition
to the Crapper). There was also some
talk awhile ago that Troma was going to host Stile,
or invest in him, or something or other. Sounds like a
match made in heaven. At any rate, click the movie pic
or visit the Crapper to see
this latest mighty PenIs. (500Kb)
Tuesday, May 9th,
2000
Sexbot Chat #1 - Sex bot frustrates a obviously desperate
guy
Sexbot Chat #2 - Some AIMer wants some doggy sex in a
shower. (This one is my favorite)
Sexbot Chat #3 - Gotta get down with that pregnant fetish
(2nd fav)
Baiting Chat #1 - I call this one "Careful what you pay for"
or "Worlds worst credit card owner"
Baiting Chat #2 - This one is ok, pretty odd what people
will put up with
This is an un-fucked-with photo from Reuters showing
li'l Elian throwin down. The diminuative Cuban
Tony Montegna-wannabe was quoted as saying,
"I'll fuckin shoot you as soon as look at you, bitch. That's right,
bitch, you with the cookies. Just set them muh'fuckers
down nice an slow. Yeeeah. Now clear out, ho, fore I bust a cap
in yo bitch-ass."
Isn't he precious? Pic courtesy of (well, stolen from) Daily
Rotten.
Huh, the picture actually looks like someone "gettin off"!
Monday, May 8th,
2000 
Well, here's something I'm thoroughly ashamed of. Just
in time for Mother's Day, too. Traipse on over to the
Crapper to see the newest steaming
pile of goodness, or else click on Granma Moses there to
see something you probably don't want to see.
I'd just like to say you guys are awesome. All the people who come to the site each day, offer their opions, contribute to the message board, send emails with links, pics, or just your comment on a post.. You guys rock.. So here is a treat for you guys
The boys over at Ghettosoft have really out done themselves this time. A driving simulator where not only are you driving behind the wheel but your driving drunk. What could be better?
Download:WinDrunk
This game is all about growing Marijuana.. Pick your seed out of a number of different seed strains, mix up your soil, adjust the Ph level, change the lighting cycle, trim, harvest. This game is played in real time, so its kinda like a Nano baby except more rewarding. Nothing really exciting happens, that I can tell in this first week of running it (maybe I already killed it) you have to nuture and feed it until your ready to harvest. So far I haven't even seen a sprout from my first plant "Danky".
Download:High Grow
2. If it's a great deal, BUY NOW and think later.
3. Get it now. Tomorrow it might be gone.
4. You can always take it back.
5. If you put it on your credit card, it's not really spending money.
6. Always try to spend someone else's money first.
7. Shopping is patriotic. It's good for the economy. - This ones been re-enforced by my economics teacher!
8. If you want it, you deserve it.
9. If they're working on commission, they're lying.
10. You can always get more credit.
(or, what the hell are those high-heels made
out of???)
Sunday, May 7th,
2000 
our next door neighbor is so nice. all i asked to borrow was a cup of milk...
too bad i didn't ask for a shake. (p.s. anyone else out there an old
school
sierra
game junkie? hint: if you understood why the milk link was cool, the
answer is "yes.")
i am finally starting to see the light at the end of the dark, damp, musty
financial tunnel down which i've been travelling since i moved to portland
to begin this phase of my life. so, i decided to indulge in a luxury
heretofore relatively unavailable to me: shopping for myself. since i work
in a business/casual 9-5 setting, i had to get boxers and dress
sox, and had to deal with a gimpy dumbass who would have been better
suited to police or government
work, possibly writing more conspiracy
theory drivel, like
the fifties-esque "duck and cover" videos designed to sell shelters and
survival crap that the page resulting from following the "government" link
contains, five months after the y2k date, might i add. then i had to get
something
frivolous because i finally could. i spent way too much for the lighter
to the left. while i was buying it, however, some kid stole my other
purchases! i started to run out to go find the kid and wring his neck,
and the store clerk stopped me, saying they had it all on tape and to
wait. so, i waited ten minutes for them to figure out that "someone must
not have rewinded the tape before the shift" - they didn't tape shit.
i made a mental note: definitely deal with colibri, the people in this
store are idiots. damn it, i
could have been wringing the kid's neck by then. so, i go back to the
clothing store, and thank the gods that be for credit cards, since my
receipt had been in the stolen bag. as i'm waiting in line to speak with
the idiot
employee who sold me the clothes, i notice that the latino gang-banger in
front of me is getting
cash for my undies and sox! I inform the employee
and proceed to make small-talk with the kid. i noticed he only
sold back the socks, so i had to find out if he still had my underwear,
which, of course, the dumbass told me he did. heh.
inevitably,
though, when i told the manager about what i knew, he was like: "don't
worry, we have him on camera." ok, manager dude, sounds like you
really have things under control. anyway, i got my shit back for
free since they had my credit receipt. however, my ludicrously expensive
lighter, which, by the way, is shockproof, waterproof, and windproof, but
unfortunately, it's not heatproof - the thumb ignition/butane valve
button
gets seriously hot if the lighter is lit more than five seconds. if you
use lighters like i do, you almost always hold the ignition down for more
than five seconds. so, i guess i'm gonna have to get the stylee one on
the right. (good, cuz i've already dropped this one three times.) i
talked to the nicest customer service lady named Marsha. i want to marry
this woman. seriously, she was kind, sweet, understanding, helpful,
courteous and efficient. EOD, this shout-out goes out in your honor:
You know, if I were forced to engage in a homoerotic affair with
just one member of the E/N community, I think it would have to be
jeer from Furth3r. Firstly, because we already had
a bitter, yet poignant affair in the early 90's (which is where I
got my pathological fear of Boy Scout camp), and secondly, because
he was kind enough to send me this picture of a pecker pen.
And also because he posted a scan of the hottie she-demon from
the Lords of Acid's latest album. And also because he posts
embarassing Bence-esque stories about his encounters with girls,
something I intend to emulate as soon as I encounter a girl. So
keep one hand on the mouse and the other hand on that weird sore of
yours, and go check out Furth3r, you chuckleheads.
Saturday, May 6th,
2000 
Hey, thanks for the kind words, euphenol. I'm planning
on putting together a collection of our best fanmails...
as soon as I get some. In the meantime, regarding the
claim that our website is "pointless," let me quote (OK,
paraphrase) something that Fenomas told me back in 1995
or so: If you're about to put something on
the internet, and you think, "Wait, who would possibly ever
need or want to see this?", then you really don't understand
the internet.
A prime example of this pithy aphorism would be Fenomas'
ludicrously detailed Max Headroom website, but I think that
the NCSA
deleted the site when Stile slashdotted his
How to Get Laid in Japan
article (which, if you haven't read it yet, is a fucking riot).
Euphenol: Keep up the magnificant work on an incredibly pointless, yet groundbreaking website.
A MAN was scalded to death after he fell asleep in a sauna at a massage parlour billed as the "ultimate pleasure centre", an inquest was told yesterday.
I hope he got a refund for the rest of his membership. Read more?
Douglas Green, 39, who had been drinking, should have been in the sauna for a maximum of 15 minutes but it was more than two hours before staff found his body.
WASHINGTON, May 5 (UPI) -- Authorities in the Philippines reportedly
planned to serve a search warrant at a Manila address that is believed to be
the birthplace of the "Love Bug" computer virus.
I hope they are going on more than an email address, cause that shit can be spoofed by my grandma.
Friday, May 5th,
2000 
Man does win2K suck my ass. I was really expecting great things
from this OS, but it's about as stable as Fenomas after a Long Island iced tea
and a bonghit. I won't bore you with descriptions of my various
driver issues and explorer crashes, but trust me - leave
Win2K for your Exchange server at work, and keep 98 on your
home machine. And when you think about it, why does Microsoft
persist in marketing an operating system anyway? They've got
tons of applications to make money off of, and (arguably) the
best internet browser available; they really ought to just
open-source Windows to get the Justice Dept. off its back.
Or even better, they could tell all the Windows programmers to
start learning linux, so that they won't have to hire a
whole new staff in a few years. (Incidentally, I didn't edit that error picture,
that's a real error I got during the win2K install process.
I think Microsoft Error is redundant...)
Thursday, May 4th,
2000 
although sometimes it might seem like a good idea to kill that long haired
kid by repeatedly striking him with a chicken then smearing its entrails
over
your cold naked flesh to read the future and narrate your visions through
chanting while wearing the dismembered carcass on your head, sometimes
it's just better to stifle your urge and stuff your rage into a
little ball until it festers and poisons your mind, causing you to go
absolutely mad and start believing any conspiracy
theory page you come across. (*splat*) (i got *this* particular
conspiracy theory page returned from a search including the words:
"mutilating small
furry animals.") wait, come
to think of it, you are better with the chicken thing. carry on...
Remember that Tunnel of
Love flyer thing Josh posted a few days ago? Local oaf
Lon Mabon was just on the news bitching and whining about it.
He doesn't like the fact that it was printed in the
first place, but what really shocks him is the way the
ad, "treats it in such an offhanded manner." I can only
assume that the "it" in that quote refers to the concept
of homos fucking each other in the ass. For those of you
that haven't heard of Lon Mabon, he's a weird
semi-politician in Portland. I say semi- because he
doesn't actually have a job, he just puts about 20 pointless
referenda on the ballot every year or so. He does this
with monetary contributions from all the weird, redneck
people in Eastern Oregon who read TV Guide for the articles
and think that American wars are inherently just.
Those of you that really need more hobbies may also know
that one of the coolest regulars in the Message Board
area is Lon Mabon Jovi. I can only assume that
Lon Mabon Jovi is not in fact the real Lon Mabon
because Lon Mabon Jovi has a homosexual live-in lover
named Puzzling (at least that's what I gather from the
context), and as I said earlier, Lon Mabon is pretty
much against that whole ass-fucking thing.
Wednesday, May 3rd,
2000 
I know we have a lot of Mary Kate and Ashley fans who read the site. Infact I
get emails daily asking for less weird pics and more pics of Mary Kate and Ashley. I have a feeling it is Weis sending me all these emails.. He is tricky like that..
Have you ever dreamed of starring along side of Mary Kate and Ashley? Course.. haven't we all? Well now is your chance.
With the successful release of two Mary-Kate and Ashley games, Acclaim has done a great job of launching a popular new brand for girl gamers," said Pete Roithmayr, Vice President of Merchandising-videogames for Electronic Boutique. "Mary-Kate and Ashley's Magical Mystery Mall for PlayStation is the perfect game for the emerging girls software market."
Wanna read the full review? Go here
Tuesday, May 2nd,
2000
Customer:Ok it says its installing.. Ok it is done.. It wants me
to
reboot
Me:Ok go ahead and reboot but remember to remove the floppy disk
Customer:Ok..
*silence*
Customer:OH MY GOD!! WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO TO MY COMPUTER!!
Me:What is happening?
Customer:TELL ME WHAT THE FUCK YOU DID TO MY COMPUTER YOU SHIT!
Me:Sir I need you to read me whats on the screen
Customer:FUCK YOU YOUR NOT TOUCHING MY COMPUTER ANYMORE!
Now I've got this fucking error' non system disk or system disk error'
Me: Right make sure you remove that floppy
Customer: I'm not touching anything! Your gonna pay for my
computer repairs. You'll be hearing from the repair shop!
Me: Sir is the floppy still in the drive?
Customer:YES! BUT THAT DOESN'T MATTER! *CLICK*
"A hundred bucks?" says the guy, "Just what
makes you worth a hundred bucks?"
"Oh, I'm worth it mister, believe me," says the hooker. "Just
put your hand under my skirt, and I'll convince you."
So the guy figures what the hell, and he reaches under her
skirt and grabs her pussy, and she's soaking wet. Since she's
wet, the guy slips a finger in, and starts poking her with it.
"Oh, yeah baby" the hooker moans, really getting into it, "put
another finger in baby, yeah, that's it!"
So the guy puts
two fingers in, and starts working in and out of her, and she's
really moaning and having a good time, so he goes ahead and shoves
a third finger in.
Then the hooker says, "Oh, baby, it feels so good, now shove your
whole hand in, ooh yeah!" So once again, the guy figures what the
hell, and pushes a little, and sure enough, his hand fits in to
her snatch.
Well by this time, the chick's really thrashing around, and she
screams, "Oh God, yeah, now put your other hand in baby, yeah,
this is so fucking good!" And even though he knows it's getting
kind of rediculous, the guy is drunk, and so once more, he
figures what the hell, and he shoves his free hand right in
alongside the first one.
And then...
Monday, May 1st,
2000
Me:Hello how may I help you today?
Customer:*CLICK*
Customer:I'd like to cancel!
Me:Great, please hold while I transfer you to sales
(put customer on hold)
(and transfer)
Customer:Yeah yeah yeah.. I'd like to order the Ronco food dehydrator
Me:Excuse me?
Customer: The food dehydrater on TV!
Me:This is senior technical support for an internet service
Customer: I see.. So what am I to do?
Me: Umm call the correct number?
Customer: Well information gave me this number.. So what am I suppose to do?
Me: I don't know thats your problem. There is no way I can help you
Customer: Well I'm never ordering from here again
Me: Correct because this is an internet support center not a place to order Ronco products.
Customer:We will see won't we?
Me:We will see what? Mam there is no way you can force me to some how magically sell Ronco products
Customer: Can I speak to your supervisor?
